Fourteen Meercies

Reveal Yourself to Me

2012-01-16T10:56:00.001-08:00

The New Year has started with a BANG on so many levels. I will never get used to how fast life changes. I remember when I was single, living in my townhome, teaching elementary school. Life was slow, uncomplicated and somewhat monotonous. Sometimes I long for those days…

Ultimately, change can be good though and honestly I have gotten used to living life day by day rather than planning my future. Meredith taught me this—to focus on one day at a time and to savor each one. There is something very scary as well as exciting living this way. I started my year out with a promising quote from Oswald Chambers, “Let the past rest in the sweet embrace of Christ. Leave the broken irreversible past in His hands and step out into the irresistible future.” This charge has come back to my mind over and over for the last two weeks. God gave me a great 2011. I married the sweetest, most gentle man and became a step-parent to two awesome boys. Tyler and I had a lot of special moments and our family grew closer. Everything that has happened this year has not been easy, but I know God is sovereign and faithful. Ultimately, I know His timing and plans for my life are best.

My Bible study challenged me to ask God to reveal Himself to me in a new way every day. I’ve been presently surprised and blessed by doing this. At first, l expected some kind of major revelation, but when that did not happen, I began looking at the details of my day. The first day, I received a sweet note from a friend. The second day, my husband made me laugh so much that I thought I might cry. The list goes on and on, Tyler singing me a song with the chorus, “I love you, Mommy,” an amazing talk about God with a wise and kind pastor, and a precious letter from my grandmother where she included the same Chambers quote that God has been bringing to my mind. What a great reminder that God is in the details and that He cares for me.

Thank you God, for always bringing me back to the powerful ways You work. Your peace and love is all I need.

The Goal: Contentment

2011-12-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

The Christmas season is filled with a mixture of emotions for me. It usually starts off with a sense of dread, then turns into a time of numbness, then excitement and finally the despair sets in. Every year, the process shortens and the despair lessons—but it is still present. Every time I felt sad this Christmas, I came back to the fact that Christmas is not about me and what I do and do not have, but it is about Christ. I listened to a sermon and it focused on this very fact. Many times my emotions and the way the world emphasizes material items, get me off track. The birth of Christ and who Jesus was and is today is the focus. I really worked hard to meditate on this, but to my disappointment, sadness reined in my heart yesterday. As soon as I awoke, I knew it was not going to be a good day. By God’s grace, I was able to enjoy the weather, work on projects, grocery shop, etc… As I wrapped up all my activities, I felt the grief come. I am still amazed at how fast it overtakes me. In mid sentence, I began weeping and once I found a quiet and private place, I burst into tears. I’m sad that I don’t get to see Meredith on Christmas morning. I’m angry that I only had one Christmas with her. I feel slighted. These joys were taken from me because of cancer.

I want so badly to be stronger than this—to accept my fate and to praise God instead of question Him. It is just so hard. The pain is so deep, the loss so great. I know that I cannot be content with God’s plan on my own. I need His help badly. I was so encouraged as I read my devotion tonight. The verse states, “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.”(Philippians 4:11). It comes across as such an easy thing. Paul went through hardships, suffering and persecution and he was content, so I should be too. However, I loved what Joni Tada says about this verse, “Perhaps Paul’s secret of learning to be content was simply learning to lean on God’s grace.”

It is clear that Paul’s ability to accept God’s plan for his life was through Grace:

a. Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
b. The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.
c. An excellence or power granted by God.

May you be challenged to feel contentment and praise this Christmas.

Blessings,
Beth

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-15T18:01:00.000-08:00

Today is the first time I have been able to catch my breath long enough to even think about Christmas. I did ponder putting together a letter and a card with photos, but my energy has been pulled between so many things. Today on my commute to work, I began to think about this year as a whole and put together a recap in my mind. I came up with a wonderful one but between Raleigh and Wake Forest I lost it. Life is so busy and can be so intense. I spend much of my time problem solving and overcoming obstacles and all God’s blessings get lost. But, God has been so gracious to me this year.

Tyler is almost four years old and it has been such a blessing to be his mother. There isn’t a day that goes by that my heart does not overflow with thanksgiving for his precious life. I remember often that when he was born, my life was in complete disarray. In the midst of the most difficult time, God blessed me with a son who lights up my life every day. Some of our sweetest moments are when we talk about Meredith. Although he never knew her, we chat about her often. He says, “Oh Mommy! I know you miss Sissy and you want to go to Heaven to see her. I miss her too.” Then, he will say, “Mommy, you love me more than Sissy, right?” This question always makes me laugh as sibling rivalry even rears its head in my situation. I delight in telling Tyler that I love them both the same, but that I get the amazing opportunity to love Meredith from afar and him up close. He follows up with, “yah, but you love me more than (my nephew) Jack, right?” He is such a character!

One huge change for Tyler and me this year, is that we started off as a family of two and are now a family of five! Bryan and I tied the knot on September 30th and we were all tossed together. It has been an absolute joy to watch our boys transition with such ease. We were both rather nervous to see who would struggle or react, but to our delight, our boys have been so sweet to one another. Tyler is mesmerized by Severin and Silas. He spends most of his time urging them to chase him and play monster. Much to my delight, they comply. It has been busy caring for three boys. Bryan and I spend our weekends at football games, basketball games and Jumpin Beans. Our activities really vary considering we have an eleven, nine and three year old. Honestly, we find that we only have a few moments for just the two of us (sound familiar?). It is a new and exciting adventure we are living, and we are joyful and so thankful God brought us together.

Perhaps one of the most trying yet exhilarating things that God brought about in 2011were several times of desperation. I have faced some circumstances that have left me overcome with fears and questions that I thought I had dealt with long ago. God has been so gracious to allow me to explore areas of unbelief and work through them while on my knees. I often wonder why my life has to be so challenging and why I shouldn’t get a free pass on hardship since I have endured so much already. But, as I look back, I am humbled because everything I have encountered in my life, God has been able to use to help another. As I read my devotion today by Oswald Chambers called “Approved By God,” I was reminded of this very thing--
“Strive to re-express a truth of God to yourself clearly and understandably, and God will use that same explanation when you share it with someone else. But you must be willing to go through God’s winepress where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle, experiment, and rehearse your words to express God’s truth clearly. Then the time will come when that very expression will become God’s wine of strength to someone else.”
I can attest that going through difficult circumstances has only strengthened my relationship with our Creator and has allowed Him to use me in a way that I had never imagined. I am humbled to serve such a good, faithful, omnipresent and omniscient Savior.

“And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.” (Luke 2:8-11, NIV).

It is my absolute pleasure to know you and walk with you. I am humbled by your love and encouragement. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Beth

Bob's Buddies Tomorrow!

2011-11-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow at 11:00 am, I will be sharing about pediatric brain cancer and my book "Will You Trade Your Dreams for His?" on G105, The Hit Music Channel during Bob's Buddies. If you are in the area, listen!

Holidays Fit for the King

2011-11-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

Writing is an avenue to being more transparent, to find personal healing and to help others. The process of exploring your feelings and recording life lessons was not meant for you alone. Allow God to use your hardships and victories to further His kingdom and encourage another. Join me for a workshop entitled, "Writing for Healing and Helping" on November 13, 2011 from 8:45-12 at Providence Baptist Church.

Insert the link below to sign up for this event:
http://www.pray.org/ministries/adults/women/special-ministries/holidays-fit-for-the-king.aspx

Bright Future

2011-10-16T18:29:00.000-07:00

“I will repay you for the years the locust have eaten...”Joel 2:25

Today Joel 2:25 hit me once again with great power. I am bubbling over with gratitude, but at the same time am reminiscent of the past. This weekend, Ty and I moved out of our house into our new home with our new family. Honestly, I have been grieving leaving me townhome. It means so much to me. It was my first house, my safe house and my peaceful place. I gained my independence there, wrote my book there and fell in love there. When I felt like I had lost everything, God had this home for me. My life started over when I moved in to that house. I depended on the Lord for everything-- money, strength, safety and comfort. My old self was shed and the Beth God wanted me to be was birthed.

This is a new chapter of my life and although the path is bright, I am sad that my daughter is not here to share it with me. I was rather surprised that I did not grieve at my wedding over Meredith. I remember telling my Aunt Joyce years ago that I would never remarry because I just knew I could never be happy again. I was convinced that while marrying someone, I would feel nothing but sadness because Mer wasn't there. Joyce assured me that God would give me joy--that I would feel overwhelmed with it and be able to be 100% present. She was so right. As I stood there before God, my friends , family and my husband-to-be, I was filled with peace and joy. My heart overflowed with with thanksgiving and love. I truly experienced that moment without a hint of sadness. I was at peace with God's plan for Mer—that she be present in spirit rather than body.

The tears I have today are shed in gratitude rather than pain. I have experienced a lot of sadness, but God has done many mighty and spectacular things. Next month, I will pass along my home to a woman who has endured much pain as well as God's healing. Hopefully, she will get to experience the same fresh start I received while living there. My hope was that my townhome could be a place for women to start over. God has fulfilled yet another dream.

Paradise

2011-10-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

I've been honeymooning for almost a week now and I have to admit that the rumors about Hawaii are true--it is paradise. Each morning Bryan and I have spent 2 hours on our balcony gazing at the waves of the Pacific, enjoying the pleasant breeze, reading God's Word and discussing it. I have needed this time with the Lord desperately. The last few weeks have been so busy-- planning a wedding in such a short period of time was insane! I have had so little time to reflect, write and explore. I am so grateful for this time now. God has taught me so many things about myself this week. I feel Him shaping me and preparing me for my new life. I've had a lot of time to ponder my past and to also get excited about my future. I am filled with hope, peace and joy.

One of the books I am reading on my trip is called, The Red Sea Rules by Robert J. Morgan. It is a small book packed with Biblical truths that are not necessarily new to me, but have been extremely helpful. Today's chapter is on walking Day by Day. Being the planner that I am, it is incredibly challenging for me to take each day as it comes. I am constantly looking ahead-- strategizing and over thinking. Sometimes it can be a blessing to be wired this way, other times it can be anxiety provoking. I love C.H. Mackintosh's quote because it speaks to me so clearly,

"...the Red Sea did not divide throughout all at once, but opened progressively as Israel moved forward, so that they needed to trust God for each fresh step. God never gives guidance for two steps at a time. I must take one step, and then I get light for the next. This keeps the heart in abiding dependence upon God."

This imagery was so perfect for me. I need to be reminded that my planning does not shift my future, it just keeps me feeling like I have some control over my life. Ultimately, God will show me what to do next and how to do it. I want that more than anything-- to be completely dependent on God and respectful of His plan for my life. This week God has taught me that I can do this. I can listen and abide in Him, and feel complete peace while doing so.

We Will Remember

2011-09-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

“But then I recall all you have done, O LORD; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works” (Psalm 77:11-12, NLT).

I have to say that this year September 11th really changed my focus. In the past, I have avoided the programs and remembrance services on TV. Honestly, I don’t want to even think about the entire thing. It is so painful. It brings me back to such a dark place and makes me ache for others as well as myself. But, this year I was ready to watch and to feel. God has taught me that my pain of losing Meredith and my healing journey over these 3 years is to be used for others. So, I watched, prayed, cried and hurt for all those families who remembered what was taken from them. In our church service, we sang such an appropriate song:

We Will Remember
[inspired by Neh. 9:16], [Ps. 77:11, 12]

We will remember, we will remember
We will remember the works of Your hands
We will stop and give you praise
For great is Thy faithfulness

You’re our creator, our life sustainer
Deliverer, our comfort, our joy
Throughout the ages You’ve been our shelter
Our peace in the midst of the storm

With signs and wonders You’ve shown Your power
With precious blood You showed us Your grace
You’ve been our helper, our liberator
The giver of life with no end
When we walk through life’s darkest valleys
We will look back at all You have done
And we will shout, our God is good
And He is the faithful One

My heart was moved to the point of tears during this song. I have been consumed with good things and hard things lately. I have struggled to hear the Lord, and follow Him. I have blocked out the memories of what God has carried me through by focusing on my challenges.

But, today I remember…
• the gifts of my children
• delivering me from heartbreak and pain
• Christ being my shelter, peace and comfort
• God’s reward of a husband who absolutely adores me
• my awesome job where I help hurting people
• my loving, loyal a lively family and friends
• the blessings of obedience

Will you remember the works of His hands today?

How do you know when...?

2011-09-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege of spending a significant amount of time last week with a dear friend who is struggling with her past, present and foreseeable future. She has been through so much pain and loss. Her healing journey has not been easy, but God is at work. I have been blessed to be a part of watching her life be transformed by the Mighty One!

What an exhausting yet exhilarating time we shared. At first, I felt I just didn’t have it in me to sit and dissect all her emotions and thoughts. I have so much going on personally. Honestly, I felt as if I was going to go mad over all that I have on my plate. But, God knows where my time and efforts should be spent, and He carved out three different times for us to meet. Even though our subject matter was very difficult and I did not have the tools to fix her challenges, our time together was such a blessing. As I meet with individuals who are feeling paralyzed by their circumstances, I have to surrender my natural tendency to “fix” it and allow God to guide my words. At the end of our conversations, I felt as though we had worked through some of her issues, but I also felt God working within me. One of her biggest questions was, “How do you know when you are in God’s will?” Now that was something I really had to ponder!

I began to reflect on how I know that right now, I am in God’s Will. First of all, even though tough things happen and curve balls are being thrown my way often, I feel joy and peace. I was reminded of this last week when Oswald Chambers said, “It is an insult to use the word happiness in connection with Jesus Christ. The joy of Jesus was the absolute self-surrender and self-sacrifice of Himself to His Father, the joy of doing that which the Father sent Him to do (August 31).” There are some days I wish I could just be happy, but happiness is usually a temporary feeling that comes and goes. Joy and peace last and if I don’t feel these two fruits of the Spirit, I can pretty much guarantee I have stepped out of His Will. In the past, I have often found peace and joy after hours or days of completely freaking out. Now, I feel pangs of fear when challenges come my way, but they swiftly dissipate as I pray and read His Word. It is then that I recall God’s promises of being faithful, true, my protector, my deliverer, my counselor, and so on…

One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
Psalm 27: 3-5, NIV

Happy Birthday

2011-08-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

“…and those the LORD has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”Isaiah 35:10

My sweet grandmother sent me this precious verse to me on my birthday. I was touched so deeply by it. I would never have guessed that in three years I could claim this verse to be true. I always knew deep down that God would carry me through. I just could not conceive of what it would look like. Three years ago, the most precious gift I ever received was taken by cancer. I never dreamed that I would make it through this tragedy, must less live again. As I reflect on the last few months, I am amazed at how God rescued me from so many obstacles. I am so grateful for His faithfulness.

Although so much was taken from me in 2008, I have seen God bring joy back into my life in multiple ways. First and foremost, my book has brought Meredith back to life in a way. Even though I cannot feel or touch her, her memory is bound in that beautiful pink and green book. God promised me as I was writing, “Will You Trade Your Dreams for His?” That Meredith’s memory was not in a gravestone or just in the hearts of those who knew her, but that it would be spread all over. God has been so good in keeping His promises to me. Thank you to all of you who have bought it. My sales have been astounding and I have had many opportunities to speak locally on my experience with loss, pain, and God’s healing. Everything I have lost, God has given back to me.

The other amazing and redemptive blessing I have received is a loving man. After my divorce, I thought I could never trust again. The disappointment and heartache I experienced was devastating. But, through writing my book and attending Mending the Soul, I found that I could place my trust in my Heavenly Father and in turn trust another man--with God’s help. It has been so sweet to see God redeem this part of my life. I cannot wait to marry him.

Finally, God has strategically placed me in an amazing workplace full of support and grace. Not only that, I am doing something that I absolutely love—helping people. If you asked me a little over a year ago if I would be in this job, I would have laughed. But, God knew all along just where I belonged. I get to use my story of pain and healing to help people in the midst of great challenges. I have been able to say with confidence that God is ENOUGH.

When you go through great challenges, God places certain people in your life to encourage you. I can remember a bereaved parent telling me that the loss of his child ultimately lead him to change his entire career and begin helping people. He encouraged me that God would use my pain and to just hold on. I remember not believing him—now I know it to be true.

God's Mercy

2011-08-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

“When we are certain of the way God is going to work, He will never work in that way anymore.”-Oswald Chambers

I have been reminded of this concept several times in the last few months. In many ways it intrigues me while at the same time can be frustrating. Trying to understand God’s plan for my life has definitely been a journey with great ups and downs. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve had some really big, good, awesome things happen to me in the last few months. I am so grateful to be experiencing real joy. I never ever thought I would feel such happiness again.

As I sat in church this past Sunday, I began to weep. One of the questions that our pastor asked of our congregation was, “Do you rejoice in God’s mercy or do you just expect it?” I began to ponder this and it hit me just how merciful God has been to me over the years, especially the last three. I closed my eyes and let God’s goodness sink in. I immediately thought of Joel 2:25-26,

“And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten…And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you…”

God certainly didn’t give me the kind of restoration I had envisioned or hoped for. I really wanted Him to restore my daughter and give her back to me on this earth. What I have realized is that God did give Meredith back to me-- through my book. The responses I have received from the people who have read it has been astounding. It has touched many lives and hopefully challenged my readers to trust and love God more even through the most difficult circumstances. Even though the pain of losing my daughter is still consuming at times, I know that her life will continue to make a difference in this world. It is satisfying and causes me to praise God’s name with a grateful heart.

Could this be true?

2011-08-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

A book review too touching to keep to myself and my immediate family and friends. Praise God!

Could this be true?
"If you have read the first few pages of Beth's book, or even heard someone talk about her experience; then you most likely have questioned the reality of all she has been through. I can tell you that even though I was there almost every step, I still catch myself wondering if what we lived through was our reality.
As I stand on the side and watch this process unfold, I have wondered what you may think about Beth, her journey, and the book. I can honestly state that this book is definitely real, that Beth is no different than any of us. She cries, laughs, and is afraid just like any of us would be on this journey of life. Yet, she continues to seek a road less traveled and God is moving in a mighty way through her life. I know this book is tough, but it is so real and filled with so much wisdom to carry into our own stories.
That is what I love about God. He doesn't want to use those who feel they have it all figured out. Those who stand on their own strength and think they can handle any curve ball thrown their way. His power is shown through our weakness,humility, and transparency. Beth used to laugh when I would say she had to write a book and needed to tell her story in a mighty way. She always responded by saying, "He can't use someone like me" That is exactly what He does! He uses the broken vessels that have allowed Him to restore them to a beautiful mosaic.
Walking next to someone that is truly on a mission from God, has touched me in so many ways. Beth's journey is real. Some days it is a joy and time of praise with the Lord, and others she is battling to hear from Him. She admits when she fails and shows grace and compassion to those around her.
I have watched her surrender her dreams, plans, and fears to Him over and over. That is the testimony I am challenged by. It is so easy for us to surrender our pain and dreams and then continue to take them back. I hope you get a chance to read this book. We all have pain, disappointments, and dreams. It is how we respond when God calls that paves the way to our future.
I truly believe you will be challenged and encouraged in this testimony. I believe that the fear Satan wants to use to destroy us; is exactly what God will use to restore us. I heard a singer say on the radio that God has a purpose for our pain. I completely see this in Beth. He wants to do the same for yours!"

Praying for you all to hear from Him in your trials and joys...Cat

Living Proof Live-Charlotte

2011-07-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

LPL-Charlotte

This weekend, Catherine and I went to Beth Moore's Living Proof Conference and we got on her blog video. The story is so amazing... I brought my book to the confence hoping that I could somehow get it to Beth. She was such a huge inspiration as many of her studies prepared me for the battle I would face in 2008. In fact, I reference her a few time in my book. So, I prayed that if it was meant for her to have a copy, God would open the door for me to give it to her. Of course, I started trying to figure out how I was going to get it to her and my goal overshadowed God's desires, so I decided to let it go. I completely forgot about it until Cat casually brought it up. So, we headed up front to see if we could find someone who looked like a Living Proof staff member. As we were walking up, a photographer asked to take our picture. After that, Cat and I walked up and this perky, Texan looking woman was straight in front of me. I walked up to her and told her my story and she assured me that she would get Beth Moore my book. I could not believe it. Well, that is my story. Watch the video, Cat and I are the fourth or fifth picture. We are both so excited!

Tethered Together

2011-07-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

Sunday was one of the most amazing days of my life. My book launch was a huge success-- not in the way the world defines success, but in the way God does. As I looked at the group of people that came, I saw before my very eyes the work of Christ. Every part of my journey through life was represented: my past, present and future. I know I have said this before, but I can never get over how God has tethered together my life with so many of yours. I am absolutely blown away by the friendships God has given me.

I have to admit, having people come to me and ask for my autograph is amusing. I’ve never been afraid of being in front of a group, but it has been a long time since I have really been able to celebrate something. I felt silly signing the books, while at the same time, I felt honored to have been God’s vessel and getting this story of His faithfulness and mercy out in the open. The real stars of this story are Meredith and Christ. They really should be the ones signing it.

It’s still strange sometimes to look at “Will You Trade Your Dreams for His?” and comprehend that it is a true story—that all of those things happened to me. It’s easy to fall into the trap of looking at it as something to market, as a possible future in ministry, or a job. I get confused sometimes. After the book launch, I went into business mode, computing figures and analyzing my marketing plan (which ceases to exist at this point). The anxiety started to build—“how am I going to get all of this done with work, parenting, housekeeping, etc? ” I quickly diverted to my old ways and started to PLAN. The anxiety lifted as I strategized and organized, but it returned when I saw my list of things to do. It was then that I sat down to hear from the Lord. My devotion for July 19th was entitled, CRUSHED UNDER HER OWN PLANS and the verse that accompanied it was, 1 Peter 5:6 which reads, “Humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you.”

Oh how I love those gently reminders. God is good!

Beth

Book Launch and Signing

2011-07-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

My book has been published! It has truly been a labor of love and a walk of faith, and I'm grateful to all who have been part of this journey. I hope my story will encourage you, deepen your faith and draw you closer to Christ.
You are invited to the book launch and signing of "Will You Trade Your Dreams for His?"

Enjoy hors d'oeuvres and coffee,
Learn more about The Green Chair Project,
Browse Silpada's latest fashions, &
Get a signed copy of my book!

*Books can be purchased on site or ahead of time on Amazon.com, Barnes & Nobles, or www.tradingdreams.org

When:
Sunday, July 17 from 2:00 PM to 5:00 PM

Where:
The Green Chair Project
1319 Capital Blvd
Raleigh, NC 27603

Resting

2011-06-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last few days soaking up the sun, eating delicious food and relaxing in every way imaginable. I have not been on vacation in over a year and I desperately needed the break. We have had some really neat experiences and a lot of quality time with family. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching Tyler on the beach. He and I are total beach bums! The other day, Ty and I were on the beach in the afternoon and I felt complete delight watching him run back and forth from the waves to the wading pool. He was so happy and I was too. Suddenly, a wave of grief hit me as I gazed at him against the ocean. I yearned to see Meredith running and playing beside him. I wanted to see them together, interacting-- enjoying each other. I began to weep as I contemplated the unfairness of Mer's death as well as the heartache I will endure until I see her again. I cried out to God, "I am supposed to have two children! Tyler is supposed to have a sister to play with! I am supposed to be mothering my daughter!" I miss her desperately.

It's so interesting how easily disbelief, questions and doubt resurface quickly and forcefully. In these moments, I feel abandoned by God. I cannot remember all the good, just pain and sorrow. But, it takes less time for me to come out of this state these days. I used to linger here for hours and days. Now, I am able to cry and allow God to comfort me and heal me. He's always there just waiting to lift me out of my pit onto solid ground.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:9, NIV

--

Trusting

2011-06-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

“That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.” 2 Timothy 1:12, (NIV)

It has been an interesting time for me. As many of you know, my book was released on Amazon, and while I was absolutely thrilled to have it in my hands, I was overwhelmed by the presence of it. I knew it was going to arrive in June and asked some very special people to join me as I opened the box. However, when I saw it on my doorstep, there was no way I could wait for them to arrive. As I pulled out my book, I fell to the floor and wept. I cried because it was my baby’s life story. I cried because of the pain it represents. I cried because I never thought I would see it in print. I remembered the nights I spent at home all alone reliving the life and death of my daughter. The work was relentless; the pain intense. I doubted and I retreated. Over and over God confirmed through His people, His Word and His peace that my story must be told. My sufferings were to be made known.

I’ve been preparing for this time for awhile now. But, just like your first year of teaching, nothing prepares you for a new and somewhat risky experience. Many obstacles, insecurities and fears have come my way. I have had to fight through each of them holding on to God and His promises. I was so encourage this weekend when our pastor spoke on 2 Timothy. Paul is in jail and writing to his friend Timothy encouraging him to persevere. The Message translates it as follows: “But I have no regrets. I couldn't be more sure of my ground—the One I've trusted in can take care of what he's trusted me to do right to the end.” (2 Timothy 1:12). Without a doubt, I would have regretted never writing this book. I would have also missed out on the opportunity to hear your beautiful responses to it. I am hoping and praying that it falls into the hands of those who need to desperately hear a word of encouragement and hope when faced with the loss of a dream. I will trust in my God to guard it and take it where it needs to be.

I so appreciate your support,
Beth

My Book Is here!!!

2011-05-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day took on an entirely different meaning to me this year. I have always seen it as a time to reflect on those who sacrificed their lives to fight for our country’s freedom and safety. It is such a precious day to so many and my heart aches deeply for those who have lost loved ones. It isn’t by chance that my book, I have been slaving over for three years, showed up on my doorstep during a weekend dedicated to memorializing those who have died. After all, “Will You trade Your Dreams for His”? is a memorial to my daughter and to God. It is my way of honoring what Meredith did for me and all the other people her short life touched. I am thrilled to present my heart and soul to you. Here is how to order it:

http://www.amazon.com/Will-You-Trade-Your-Dreams/dp/143275551X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1306776775&sr=1-1

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Will-You-Trade-Your-Dreams-For-His/Beth-Eastman/e/9781432755515/?itm=1&USRI=beth+eastman

My book signing party is in the works. I will send the details out soon. If the links don't work, go to Amazon or Barnes & Nobles and search by author. Thanks for your support!

Beth

Mothering Meredith

2011-05-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
Lamentations 3:22-24

I’ve been attempting to write for the last two weeks and it has been impossible! I have had all of these thoughts and feelings that have needed to come out, but the time I have to sit and reflect is few and far between. On top of that, my environment has to be just right. I often weep as I write about what God is teaching me. Not just out of sadness but also out of thankfulness. I have been actively living out Lamentations 3:22-24 in the last few weeks. It is tempting for me to become consumed by my loss, but I am always reminded that in my greatest pain, God never fails to comfort. He is so faithful and I am so grateful.

I was reminded once again of God’s healing and grace on Mother’s Day. In the past, I have avoided this day. My first Mother’s Day without Mer, my girlfriends took me on a cruise, my second I spent at the spa getting the works. I’ve always run from this day, looking for something to make me feel good. It worked, somewhat. These activities were positive distractions and I am fortunate to have friends who pamper me. This Mother’s Day was so different. I didn’t grow weary thinking of all the grief I would face. Honestly, I had a different perspective. My recent assignment in my Bible study, Believing God, was to remember how God has been with me through all my various situations, even those I still don’t understand. I began to retrace many of the afflictions I have encountered and noticed the overwhelming faithfulness of God. Through this exercise, I realized my thoughts have transformed from “what I have lost” to “what I have gained.”

God reminded me of this over and over as I sat in church on May 12th and watched a woman dedicate her little girl and boy to the Lord. I began to cry as I wished I could have done that with my babies. But, I also cried because I have had the privilege of encouraging and ministering to that woman in her joys and sorrows. God brought us together through loss and pain—me losing a baby and her losing a husband. I knew how hard it was to stand alone and to give my children to God.

In that sermon, it also hit me that my job as a mother goes further than raising Tyler. I have always felt my job of mothering Meredith was taken from me. But, God gave me Meredith back that day. He reminded me that the way I could continue mothering Mer was by telling her story and mine. My book is a way to celebrate her each day as well as share her with the world. Once again, I am encouraged and excited that our God’s mercies are new every morning.

FYI, my book is going to print, so stock up on some tissues…

Beth

Run with Perserverance

2011-05-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” (Hebrews 12:1, NIV)

Yesterday I ran in the Angels Among Us 5K for the second time. Running for me has become a stress reliever and depression killer. It is also a time for me to test myself. I am not a fast or disciplined runner. I am actually quite slow and usually give up when I can see the finish line. I’ve noticed this about myself lately. I push myself relentlessly and right when I get near the end of my task, I want to throw in the towel, cower in fear and give up.

The 5K course at Duke reminds me a lot of my own life. It starts off with a small incline then it gradually descends for a mile or so. I feel great during this part of the run. I have a good pace, am listening to some inspiring music and am feeling optimistic; then, comes the turn and the uphill climb. This is when the temptation to start walking comes and the dreaded cramp pierces my side. It is sheer determination and willpower that keeps me going at this moment. I have set a goal: to finish the race without walking. I remember why I am running the race. I tuck my head so not to see how far I have to go but only what is right ahead of me, and I continue. I begin to feel in control again, and get back on track. The detour to Duke Chapel arrives swiftly. Unfortunately, I cannot enjoy the beauty of this historic and astounding building as I run by, but I do take the time to remember that I have faced detours before and have persevered.

Finally, I am on the home stretch but am suddenly distracted. The Ronald McDonald House where I stayed when Meredith was ill is to my right. I look at the window of the very room I shared with my mother, newborn and other family member or friend who swooped into town to take care of all of us. The memories rush in and my stride is disrupted as I allow myself to remember the heartache of my past. The tears come, but I keep running toward the finish line.

Finally, I see the finish line and I am nearly overcome by aching legs and a nauseas stomach. I begin to question my sanity and yearn for comfort. But, I remember that I can make it to the finish line with God’s help, and that in that “great cloud of witnesses” is my daughter, who knows how important it is for me to finish the race that God has called me to run.

So, I accomplished my goal, I didn't stop and I managed a decent time of 31:38. I also saw Dr. G., Meredith’s pediatric oncologist and got to show him my sweet son. Seeing Dr. G. reminded me why I was there that day. He never lost hope in Meredith. Even though he has watched many little ones perish, he always believes that his patients have a chance at recovery. His hope inspired me to hold on to mine. He was truly a gift in the midst of the hardest time of my life.

Memories are the key not to our past but to the future. Corrie Ten Boom

Angels Among Us, April 30th

2011-04-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend I will be participating in the 18th Annual Angels Among Us 5K & Family Fun Walk.You can visit my personal fundraising page and click the "Support Beth" button to make a donation now. Your tax-deductible gift could potentially prevent a child from leaving this earth too early!

http://dccc.convio.net/site/TR/Angels/TR-AngelsAmongUs?px=1016205&pg=personal&fr_id=1080

If you would prefer, you can also mail your tax-deductible contribution to the following address:

Tisch Brain Tumor Center-Angels

DUMC Box 3624

Durham, NC 27710

I greatly appreciate your support!

Sincerely,

Beth

.

Survival

2011-04-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

I’ve sat down and tried to write for days now, and have struggled to put anything down on paper. I have been paralyzed with grief waiting for this day to arrive. Honestly, the days leading to Mer’s anniversary are more difficult than the actual day. The anticipatory grief can be debilitating. The last two weeks have been full of feelings that have been overwhelming to say the least. In the past, I have spent the time before Mer’s anniversary in a haze. Most of the time, I spend it asleep. Sleeping is my escape from everything. It is my favorite thing to do. The way I relax is to sleep. I love it and never get enough of it. So, I anticipated sleeping today while Tyler played with my parents. But, I couldn’t. I saw this as a positive step as this year I didn’t need to totally escape from my life. So, I spent the day outside. I ran, read and played with Tyler. I allowed the tears and memories to come and go naturally. I remembered my baby shower for Meredith and how excited I was to be having a girl; I remembered how happy she made me, how unique she looked, how perfect she was, and how hard she fought to hold on at the end. I also remembered the exact moment she died in my arms. It’s hard to believe that I said good bye to her 3 years ago today. It is even harder to believe that I have survived without her. As I reflected on my survival, God revealed some powerful answers to my question:

First, I survived because of God’s comfort and compassion. “The Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones” (Isaiah 49:13).

Second, I survived because of God’s purpose for my life. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Third, I survived because of the people God surrounded me with through my crisis and the people who have walked with me faithfully through the healing process. “Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble” Proverbs 17;17, The Message).

I thank God for all of you who have not only stuck by me but who have also kept Meredith’s memory alive.

Repaired by the Master

2011-04-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it is April again. Time passes so quickly. As most of you know, April is the month I wish I could skip. I would be completely content with spending this entire month in bed. The feelings of oppression came swiftly on March 31st. I was about to go to bed when I decided to pick up a devotion that I haven’t touched in several months. I looked at the title, “Made and Repaired by the Master” by Corrie ten Boom.
If you followed my blog when Meredith was sick, you might remember this story. A man comes to this home and asks for a place to sleep for the night, he ends up in the basement which housed a broken harp. He ends up fixing the harp to everyone’s dismay and when they asked how he repaired it, he replied, “I made this harp years ago, and when you make something, you can also repair it.”
I love this story. It was such an inspiration to me when Meredith was at that crucial state of recovery. Three years ago to this day, it looked like God was repairing Meredith. She was out of the hospital, making strides and finally coming back to us. I was so grateful, yet incredibly fearful. I had a promise from God that we would all be taken care of, but I had not been promised Meredith’s recovery on this earth. I was going to have to be patient and wait to see the outcome. Oh, how I wish it was different.
As I closed my devotion, I asked God what he wanted me to learn from rereading this passage. He said little and so I went to bed. Then came two days of the same theme: JOY.

Lord, You made me. What a JOY that You are willing and able to repair me. (A Gentle Spirit)

God gives us peace and JOY, to help you along your journey. (40 Days with Jesus)

The deeper we grow in the spirit of Christ, the more we realize that everything in life is a gift. The tenor of our lives becomes one of JOYful thanksgiving. (The Ragamuffin Gospel)

I cannot put into words the feelings of disappointment I have over losing Meredith. I wish this story came to fruition for her. I wish I could share this story with others and it have a happy ending for me. I know Meredith got her happy ending. It’s just me that is left here being asked to have JOY leading up to my daughter’s death day. I’m not angry though, only broken, depleted and completely incompetent in so many ways. But, I have learned that when I am in this place, Christ ALWAYS repairs me. It might not be as fast as I would like, but it always happens.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8,NIV)

Old Habits

2011-03-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

I’ve been busy holding it together and looking somewhat normal these days and it is exhausting. I remember I used to do this before Meredith died. I would pretend that all was well and everything was just “perfect.” Old habits come back swiftly. The last few days I have been SO frustrated. I have several balls up in the air and while all are good and positive, the pressure and expectations I have for myself are overwhelming. I was looking through some of my old memorabilia and came across my 1st grade report card. I laughed as I saw the comment from my teacher, “Beth is struggling in reading and spelling. She expects a great deal of herself and this places added pressure.” I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but clearly I expect a lot from myself, so when I fall short, I feel so defeated.

Over the last few days, I have found myself unable to express my feelings, angry over the life that I have, cynical about what I have been through, and most of all, paralyzed when it comes to writing. These old habits are absolutely consuming. I could not hear from the Lord as my anger burned deeply. I could feel it all over my body and in my soul. All the memories came back on why and how I got to this point. Luckily, I went to this worship conference last night and was able to reconnect with the Lord. I didn’t even know what to pray other than, Help! I hated how I was feeling. I could not even acknowledge or give thanks for all that God has done for me, all I could do was fume at what I had lived through and what I had lost. I needed to break free or I was going to lose it!

As I prayed for relief, I began to cry and remember… I cannot stuff the feelings I have inside, I have to allow God to purge them from my soul. With my tears, came relief. I needed Him to change my anger into understanding. He began to reveal to me why I was so frustrated. I always want control of my life. I live in complete abandonment to God and then I quickly pull back and try to present what I think looks good, or what I believe to be the purpose of my life. I quickly forget that this is the life God created for me and that it is a good life full of blessings and purpose. Everything I have faced in my 34 years, is being used for God’s glory right now. He has positioned me in my job, community and church to make positive changes for Him. God has used my pain of losing Meredith, my past relationships and my experience walking through separation and divorce in powerful ways this year. None of these trials have been a waste.

So, I am happy to say that God dealt with my old habits last night. I know they will come back for a visit again one day, but I am elated they are gone for now. My heart is grateful that when I ask the Lord for help and submit to him, He always comes through!

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:15

Nothing is Impossible

2011-03-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

Luke 1:37-For nothing is impossible with God.

Your prayers were much needed as pivotal to me as I encountered Meredith's fourth birthday.I was somewhat taken back by the amount of pain I felt that day. I don't recall her 3rd birthday being as difficult as this one. It confused me as I believe I was absolutely covered in prayer.

I woke up on the 16th in tears. Not just come and go tears, but a constant stream of painful agonizing ones. My precious son looked at me in distress trying to comfort me. I tried to explain my hurt to him, how it was because his sissy was in Heaven with Jesus and that I missed her so much. He hurriedly ran to the kitchen to get me a napkin to wipe my tears away, and then he tickled my arm. His tender and loving care made me feel so blessed. In that moment, I remembered how good God had been to me. I could have empty arms right now. Tyler was a gift in so many ways. I wish his efforts and comfort were enough, but I knew I had to get to Mer's grave and get some time with the Lord. I wept constantly as I dropped Ty off with a babysitter and drove to the place where my baby girl's body is buried. It was cold but the sun was shining brightly. I sat and stared at the ground; I wept and screamed, "Why?" I remembered the days of having her by my side and feeling complete. I know God performs miracles. I know He can do the impossible. I know God is still a miracle worker; I believe I am living proof.

God always gives me a word of encouragement in times like these. Last year, He told me He would give me a new life. It was a year of "new beginnings" in so many ways. He followed through on His Word; He always does. This year He confirmed what I have pondered and heard many times before. He promised me that Meredith's life and death would draw more people to the Him and His Kingdom than if she had lived a long full life on earth. I believe that God's priority is for us to truly know Him as Savior and King, and Meredith was sent as a missionary to aid in this purpose.

Even though my heart aches for her and all that we could have shared on this earth together, I will rest in the knowledge and promises God has given to me. I will carry these burdens with joy and peace as I trust in Him (Romans 15:13).
On Mer's 4th birthday, I am trusting God more, I am completely committed to loving and believing Him no matter what my future holds. Christ is my One and Only, my best friend, confidant and Heavenly Father. I pray He uses, teaches and renews my strength.

God, renew my strength. Do not let me grow overburdened, help me to soar on your wings, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:30-32).

Beth

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

2011-02-14T17:30:00.000-08:00

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16

As I sat and stared at God’s magnificent ocean this weekend, I was given these precious verses from Psalm 139. I was overwhelmed with peace as God reminded me of how purposeful and in control He was, is and will always be. The best days of my life face me at this very moment. February 15th my beautiful son was born and a year earlier on the 16th my dream of having a daughter was fulfilled. I still cannot believe that my babies were 364 days apart. It is a mystery why God gave Tyler to me on the 15th when his due date was not till March 18th.

I cannot express the range of emotions I cycle through when I celebrate the lives of Ty and Mer right after the other. For the most part, I am absolutely grateful and full right now. God has given me the gift of a son who is absolutely wonderful. He is full of life, funny, flexible and unique. He makes me laugh all the time. When I tucked him in tonight, I began to weep. I remember the night, 3 years ago, when I laid in that hotel bed and repeatedly told God I could not have Tyler until Mer was stable. I could not handle both babies. I could not do it. Four hours later, Tyler was in my arms and Meredith was on the verge of death. Now I weep, because I did have him that night and I could handle it. God knew the exact moment of Meredith and Tyler’s births and in His mind, the 15th and 16th were the perfect times. God also knew the exact moment Meredith’s heart would cease to beat.

Though this week is one of the toughest times for me each year, I am so thankful that God chose my womb as the place where Meredith and Tyler were fearfully and wonderfully knit together. I am blessed to be raising my son and honoring my daughter on this earth. Although I yearn to celebrate Mer’s birthday with her, I know that God wanted her in Heaven where she has a glorious and perfect body. I thank God that when He created me, He entrusted me with two powerful and purposeful lives.

“Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is His reward.” (Psalm 127:3, KJV).

Moving Mountains

2011-02-06T11:09:00.001-08:00

February is a month of celebration while a time of great reflection. As Tyler and Meredith’s third and fourth birthdays quickly approach, I feel conflicted. I have already started planning Tyler’s party. I enjoy doing this and cannot wait to celebrate one of the happiest days of my life. But, as I plan, I grieve that Meredith will only turn 4 in my heart. I can only dream of what she would look like, do and say on her fourth birthday.

Last week, as I was doing my Bible Study Matthew 17:20 was the focus, “…if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”I have to admit that I struggle with this verse, especially during this season. It was also interesting that Matthew 17:20 was part of my study 2 days before I got my book proof from my publisher. So, here I am facing a verse that makes me feel like I didn’t have enough faith for God to perform a miracle followed up by a book that details all my disappointments and hardships.

As I meditated on Matthew 17:20, I began to think how it has applied to my life after Meredith’s death. How God has kept His word even though at times it has been difficult to believe due to my circumstances. Losing Meredith has challenged me to expect God to answer my prayers, but to not expect him to do so in a certain way. I have seen Him move mountains in my life, but not in the way I pictured.
Even though I get disgruntled and frustrated when I am reminded of the things I do not understand, I have also realized that questioning and wrestling with God is not just normal but is necessary. So, I am thankful that God has once again asked me to think and pray about this faith verse.

As far as my book, many of you have been asking me when it will be finished. I had high hopes it would be out by Meredith’s birthday, but since I am still proofing it, that will not happen. It is nearing completion though and as I read it again, God has given me a whole new set of promises. Like many authors, I think it needs more tweaking, but I know deep down that it is exactly what God wants it to be. Lord willing, you will see it in the next month and will be able to read my love story between Mother, Daughter and our God.

Sowing in Tears

2011-01-20T17:49:00.000-08:00

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. Psalm 126 : 5-6, NIV

I’ve spent the last two days remembering Meredith, which mean millions of tears and usually a lack of motivation. It started with a staff devotion that focused on Psalm 126. This chapter is a song of praise for the restoration God has poured out on the lives of the Israelites. It also includes a plea of restoration for those who planted their crops in despair and were waiting for God to bring rain. As I listened to this passage, I began thinking of all God has done in my life. How I have cried so many tears over my pain and it has NOT been in vain. I can rejoice now over what God has done. I can see His hand in preparing me for a future I could have never imagined.
I have been watching old videos of Meredith. I know that seems like a torturous thing to do, but in order for me to really remember her, I need to see her. Yes, I think of her probably 15 times a day, but to remember her laugh, crawl and personality, I have to see her. I praise God for those videos. Although there are continuous tears of pain streaming as I watch my very normal baby, I feel such joy in knowing that God entrusted such a precious life to me. She was not normal at all, Meredith was an agent of change, a child who impacted many people for Christ. When Mer was alive, I prayed she would be a good person, love others and care for those in need. I just had no idea that her life and death would inspire, encourage and give hope to those who were struggling with their own battles.
For the first time, I can see “the harvest” before me. Meredith was the catalyst that God used in my life to propel me to a life of ministry. She inspired me to not waste a moment of my life. She gave me the desire to dig in deep to God’s word and not just believe in Him but to believe Him. His word has come alive in my life and even though my sowing has been accompanied by trouble and sorrow, His harvest brings me a joy that is indescribable.

And now, God, do it again—bring rains to our drought-stricken lives so those who planted their crops in despair will shout hurrahs at the harvest, so those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing. (Psalm 126:4-6, The Message).

Uncertainty

2011-01-12T17:15:00.000-08:00

If you want to hear God’s voice clearly and you are uncertain, then remain in His presence until He changes this uncertainty. Often much can happen during this waiting for the Lord. Sometimes He changes pride into humility; doubt into faith and peace; sometimes lust into purity. The Lord can and will do it. --- Corrie Ten Boom, Not I, but Christ

Uncertainty has been the theme of my New Year. In my uncertainty, I have learned the hard way) to run to Christ, hide out and wait. It has taken me years to do this. By nature, I am more of the 'run to a friend and talk' kinda girl, rather than waiting to hear from the Lord. I am still a student in this area, but I am learning and growing.
My main struggle in a time of uncertainty is that I am a “fixer.” I love to problem solve and advise. I even give homework to people I meet with to process their issues and pain. It is natural for me to look at a problem, devise a plan, implement and achieve success. I like this feeling. It makes me feel good inside. However, being a fixer has its disadvantages. I bite off more than I can chew, I begin trusting in my own ability and I advise wrong things. So, becoming a “recovering fixer” has been a challenge. I have had to revamp my methods and run them all past God first. I remind myself that I am incapable of guiding, trusting, forgiving and giving grace without Christ doing it for me. It is much easier to just give hurting people practical, logical and assertive advice. It is less time consuming and less involved. But, it is damaging; I have hurt my own self and others with this old way of thinking.
As I pondered a very complicated situation the last few days, I was drawn back to the Lord by fear, confusion and a need for real direction. I didn’t automatically run to God. I wanted to run to my best friend and accountability partner, but she was swamped with work, kids and her own life. I could barely even get in touch with her. I was frustrated as our usual pattern is to chat several times a day and discuss all the events and non-events that occur in our lives. But, I knew that this was a time for me to remain in God’s presence and hear directly from Him. So, when I read this quote by Corrie Ten Boom last night, I knew what God was doing by blocking my time with my best friend.
God wants all of our thoughts, fears and questions run by Him. What a journey these last days have been. God and I have covered nearly every question I have in my head. He has guided, confirmed and provided clarity on several different areas of my life. Some days I have felt peace, others I have felt physically ill. But, I knew I could trust God to give me answers. I knew He would guide me, I just had to wait. This new way of thinking and dealing with uncertainty, just doesn’t make me feel “good” inside. It makes me feel energized, free, and peaceful. Thank you, Jesus!

Christmas Letter 2010- New Beginnings

2010-12-23T18:40:00.000-08:00

Let him take hold of my strength, that he may make peace with me. Isaiah 27:5

As I look back over the past few years, I never thought I would be excited about what lies ahead. Honestly, Christmas was a time to “make it through” without losing my mind. This year, it has been different. God has asked me to leave my comfort zone and stretch myself in so many ways. It has been a time of great struggle accompanied by great peace. Through this time of surrender and obedience, many positive changes have occurred.
This year, I joined the ministry team at my church, Providence. I am the assistant to the Community Ministries Pastor and I love it. This job was, once again, a gift from the Lord. I am surrounded by people who love God, and who have embraced me like family. The thing I enjoy the most is I get to help people. When I was in crisis and felt out of control of my life, many of you filled the gaps in a variety of ways. Now I get to do the very thing you did for me for others. It gives me energy, enthusiasm and most of all, reminds me that God ALWAYS provides for us when we trust in Him.
I have also completed my third semester of a life changing program, Mending the Soul. This semester I was blessed to lead a group. Once again, God allowed me to walk through the pain of abuse, isolation, rejection and disappointment while encouraging women to overcome these difficult and overwhelming challenges as well. Although this class is no walk in the park, it gave me extreme joy to watch women open up to God’s healing. In 15 weeks, I have seen God change lives and possibly break the cycle of abuse in their own family. There are no words to describe this experience, only tears.
Perhaps the most astonishing and overwhelming experience I have had this year is finishing my book. I have spent 2 years writing this manuscript. I read the details of Meredith’s life and death a thousand times. I never thought I would finish it, primarily, because I didn’t know how to end it. The death of a child is never something you recover from you just learn to live with it. There are days I wrestle with questions that I had at the very beginning of my bereaved journey. I have learned that the sadness of what could have been stays forever. What I have learned is that when tragedy comes God is there. No matter what I faced, how I hurt and how I failed, He was my comforter, healer and provider. My sweet Meredith will live on forever in our hearts but also on paper. Will You Trade Your Dreams for His? Will one day sit on the shelves of people who are hopeless or lost. Her story changed my life dramatically and I feel sure it will do the same for another.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t look at Tyler in awe. He is the most gentle, loving, patient and caring child. Even though he never knew Meredith, we talk of her often. He is so sweet as he talks of her in Heaven with Jesus. One day, he let go of a balloon and was so torn up about it. I told him that it was his gift to Meredith and she was so happy to have it. He remembers that balloon often and always says, “Remember, yesterday, when I lost my balloon? Sissy has it now.” It always brings tears to my eyes. I wish he could have known her. When Mer died, I honestly thought I could never love again. Tyler reminded me that I could.
Tyler is almost 3 years old. He talks all the time. He loves to sing. His favorites are: Joshua fought the battle of Jericho, Somebody's Knocking at Your Door, and Arise and Shine. Yes, we have this Bible songs CD that he absolutely loves. Although I am delighted that He loves gospel and would never deter his passion, I have to admit I would love to enjoy some of my own music occasionally. Tyler amazes me with his athletic ability. He has a terrific arm, can ride a tricycle with ease and runs like a gazelle. I love watching him run and play. He is always laughing and enjoying life. He reminds me to enjoy the moment and appreciate the little things in life. He is truly a gift from God.
There have been all sorts of new beginnings in my life. I have regained strength, have been called to work in ministry and have finished a memoir of Meredith’s life. However, none of these experiences even come close to the new beginning found in Christ. If you do not know Him,

Somebody’s knocking at your door.
O sinner, why don’t you answer?
Somebody’s knocking at your door.

Can’t you hear Him?
Somebody’s knocking at your door.
Can’t you hear Him?

Answer Jesus!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
Beth & Tyler

Miracles

2010-12-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

There is only one relationship that matters, and that is your personal relationship to a personal Redeemer and Lord. Let everything else go, but maintain that at all costs, and God will fulfill His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God’s purposes, and yours may be that life. ~Chambers

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a difficult place emotionally. I was reflecting upon my life trying to figure out how things came to be. I was sitting in my office and my boss asked me if I was doing okay. I began to cry and said, “this just isn’t what I thought my life would turn out to be.” It can be quite a challenge to accept our lives as they are. We have all endured great disappointment in some way or the other. As I have struggled to know where to go from here, God has prompted me to think about the many miracles He performed in the Bible.

In my opinion, God bringing me back to Jesus healing the sick, feeding the 5,000 and giving a blind man sight was not to remind me that He did perform miracles, but that He is performing miracles. I still believe in miracles, even though my baby’s healing on this earth didn’t take place. I do struggle with the whole idea them, though. I will say that what I have learned about miracles is that they are not always what we expect.

My life is an example of a miracle. When I think about approaching 3 years in April since losing my daughter, I am reminded how far I have come. It has nothing to do with me being a strong or resilient person. I don’t owe my recovery to my son or family and friends. I am here today because God gave me enough strength, comfort and endurance to live one minute at a time. He is the only relationship that truly matters to me. As harsh as that sounds, it is a reality. People will fail, mislead and disappoint me, but God is consistent, loving and truthful. He meets my every need and has carried me through the most dark and horrific circumstances. I am currently watching miracles in other’s lives as well. God has brought some very special relationships into my life this year and I have witnessed His hand at work. I am honored to be a part of watching God’s healing power in the lives of others.

Yes, sometimes my life seems too hard or disappointing in some areas. But, God has also given me a vision for the life I have now, and I want it to be of priceless value to His purposes, which means pushing through the memories of what could have been and pushing toward a life where His purposes are accomplished no matter the cost.

Meredith, my past and future

2010-11-27T18:46:00.000-08:00

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

This past weekend, my friends and I were in New Bern. We were shopping in the quaint downtown area when a whimsical painting caught my eye. It said, "Once upon a time...Meredith." It was a really unique moment. It was not by chance that I saw this painting. It connected closely to what I was feeling at the time. It seems like an eternity since I have seen her. Sometimes it feels like that part of my life was a dream. When Meredith was alive, my life with her resembled a fairy tale. I was completely enamored by her existence. I loved being her mother and with all the turmoil that surrounded me, she gave me feelings of peace and joy.

November has been a month of extreme highs and lows. I have been incredibly busy with work and of course, finishing my book. Other moments of finality have occurred simultaneously with new relationships and opportunities. It has been a time of reflection as well as a time of excitement. For the first time, I can see Meredith as my past as well as my future. God is using the pain of my past to help others and is challenging me to feel joy again.

Thanksgiving has always been a challenging holiday for me. Yes, I am so blessed by my family and friends. I have a great job and so much support. I also have a wonderful child who has brought a smile to my face even in the darkest of times. But, with thanksgiving, comes disappointment and heartache. My fairy tale was shattered with the loss of Meredith. But, I find comfort in knowing that Meredith’s fairy tale came true. She is experiencing more love and joy than I could ever imagine. All the hopes and dreams I had for her on this earth pail in comparison to what she is seeing and living today. One day I will see her and I too will get to experience only the highest highs one could ever imagine.

Breaking a Heart

2010-11-15T17:27:00.000-08:00

“If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.” ~Oswald Chambers

It has been months since I have sat down at my computer and journaled. Writing is usually a great stress releaser for me, but lately I have been under writing deadlines and that has killed my usual excitement. Many of you know that I have been writing Meredith’s memoir. I started right after her death, met with publishers in 2009 and am finally in production. I’ve read through the details of her life and death so many times and although it has been painful, it has been a time of great healing. I have seen and felt God in ways I cannot describe. I believe God wrote this book. I was just the vessel in which He used. A friend asked me what I have learned the most from this experience. It was a great question and one that I could answer quickly, obedience. Time after time, I thought I could not write, edit and explain this story. I wanted to leave behind the events that occurred in 2008. I wanted to pretend they didn't exist because the pain was intolerable. But, each time I wanted to give up and forget, God challenged me to be obedient. All the steps up until this point, fell together with ease.

I know writing this book was part of God’s plan for my life. I know this because every time I wanted to stop, people encouraged me to go. Sermons challenged me to continue, devotions said, “persevere.” Being in God’s Will isn’t always comfortable, but necessary.

When I read the quote above by Chambers, my faith is tested. It is hard to believe that God would use a broken heart to achieve His purposes. But, I realize that faith isn’t always black and white. It is about trusting a God who we do not understand. It is about being at peace with His plan for our lives, and knowing with assurance that His plans are to give us a hope and a future.

Lord willing, Mer’s book will come out on February 16th, on her 4th birthday. It is my memorial to her, and a message of hope in the midst of unbearable circumstances.

Beth

My Cousin's Story

2010-10-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

My nephew, Parker, wrote a story he entered into the Young Authors Competition through the state. He is eight years old. It is really sweet and I wanted to share it. These are his own thoughts and words.

One day my baby cousin came over and I could tell she was sick because she would not eat and she cried. A week later she went to the hospital. The doctors said that she had a brain tumor. She was suffering from it our family cried and cried. It was so agonizing to see my cousin sick and to see my aunt cry. It was so horrible. I felt like I was going to burst out in tears. My aunt and cousin came to live with us after she had a surgery and my parents set up a crib for her in our living room. My aunt stayed in the guest room. My cousin got really sick one night and was taken back to the hospital. She died a few days later on April 14, 2008 a few days before I turned six. My aunt was still living with us then she had a baby and my new cousin came to live with us too. I really loved my cousin and I remember her playing with her rattle when she was well. I hated to see her suffer. Every year my family goes to Duke Hospital and walks in Duke Gardens to raise money to fight brain cancer. Our family thinks of her every day and night, but we still stay strong. When I feel sad about it, I think of her in Heaven swimming in the blue diamond seas. This is my cousin's story.

Parker Williams

3rd grade

Raleigh-Wake Reading Council

PS He knows that Ty was born before Mer died, but the story was way too complicated to explain for at 3rd grader and in 300 words or less- but we know the order of the events.

Beth

(Parker is in the orange)

Compassionate Friends Interview

2010-10-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

My Carolina Today

2010-10-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

Monday, October 18th on My Carolina Today (NBC 17) at 11:00 my interview will air. I was asked to speak about my experience with Compassionate Friends. I hope I represented Meredith well:) DVR it!

http://www.mycarolinatoday.com/

Sand Dollar

2010-08-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you.” John 14:27

I used to love celebrating my birthday. However, this birthday was different. Any kind of celebration is a challenge for me these days. There are always feelings of perplexity. I do feel joy and excitement, but I also desperately miss the fact that my daughter is not here to share in the festivities. Whatever the cause is for celebration, there will always be a missing party member. It is hard to accept.

I found it interesting that my birthday devotion focused on receiving peace from the Lord. Chambers stated,

“When one confers with Jesus Christ the perplexity goes, because He has no perplexity, and our only concern is to abide in Him. Lay it all out before Him, and in the face of difficulty, bereavement, and sorrow, hear Him say, “Let not our heart be troubled.”

I’ve spent many days perplexed, confused and mystified. But, God is consistently challenging me to just rest in Him. All I can do is believe, persevere and obey. It is not easy road but He has promised me it will end well.

As my best friend and I walked along the beach this weekend, I found my first sand dollar. It was such a neat experience to spot something so beautiful hidden in the sand. I cannot begin to describe my excitement as I carefully lifted it out of the surf. It was truly a sign from the Lord that I am to be at peace.

The Legend of the Sand Dollar
There's a lovely little legend

that I would like to tell,

of the birth and death of Jesus,

found in this lowly shell.

If you examine closely,

you'll see that you find here,

four nail holes and a fifth one,

made by a Roman's spear.

On one side the Easter lily,

its center is the star,

that appeared unto the shepherds

and led them from afar.

The Christmas Poinsettia etched on the other side,

reminds us of His birthday,

our happy Christmastide.

Now break the center open,

and here you will release,

the five white doves awaiting,

to spread Good Will and Peace.

This simple little symbol,

Christ left for you and me,

to help us spread His Gospel,

through all Eternity.
Author Unknown

Trials

2010-08-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

Trials drive us to our knees. Trials reveal that He is God and we are not. Trials make you trust. Trials prove you. Trials purify you. Trials perfect you. Trials bring you to the end of yourself and to the beginning of the Almighty. ~Tommy Nelson

I’ve been incredibly busy this summer. There has been no vacationing for me. I started a new job, am editing a book, taking an online class, participating in help groups and trying to be a mom of excellence to my child. Whew, I am tired! I am not complaining though—I am being challenged, stretched and pushed to be the woman God intended me to be. I am incredibly excited about serving God full time, am learning so much about ministry and am getting emotional, spiritual and mental support one could only dream of. God has blessed me and I am grateful.

After Meredith’s second death anniversary, I heard clearly from the Lord He was ready for me to help others. I spent the prior two years so focused on my own pain that I did not feel capable of helping anyone else. I suppose it was a time of selfishness but also a time of intense healing. Thank you to all of you who stood by my side as I struggled to make sense of all that happened to me. Today, I have more answers, clarity and hope. I am by no means healed or perfected but I have a deeper relationship with the Lord and live by His strength each day.

I knew when God made it clear that I was to help others, I would have to face my own past (again) in order to feel theirs. I just didn’t realize how challenging it would be. Meeting with other bereaved mothers and walking through divorces with women is no cake walk. There are times I look in the mirror and ask, “Really God, this is what I am supposed to do?” It is so hard. It tears me up to watch women walk my journey. I want to give them something to hold on to. I desire to “fix-it” and give them strategies to cope. But, I am not God and I don’t have the answers. What I do know if that God carried me through every moment of tragedy and disappointment. All the strategies and solutions I created on my own, never proved successful. It was when I was at the end of myself that God took over and marked a very specific path for me to take. This path is not easy but as I take each step I am strengthened with wisdom and HOPE.

Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked? Ecclesiastes 7:13 (NIV)

My Little Missionary

2010-07-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

And this is the confidence that we have in him, that,

if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:
And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask,

we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.
1 John 5:14-15 (King James Version)

Satan has been on top of me in a way I have not experienced since the days leading to Meredith’s death. I have been in a state of depression that pressed upon my soul so deeply that I never thought I would see the light again. Although Satan wounded me, he did not crush me. I am back on track and what man intended for evil, God will turn into good.

As I sat in church desperate to hear from the Lord, I was reminded of two reoccurring lessons from the Lord. In the midst of such a difficult time, once again, God had me go back to 1 John 5: 14-15. Honestly, these verses kill me. It makes me feel like I didn’t ask right or with enough sincerity for God to intervene and heal my child. It causes me to feel confused and frustrated by God’s mysterious way of answering prayer. However, I was reminded (once again) that praying in God’s will involves committing “every single thing that comes into our lives to God and His perfect will” (Evelyn Christenson, 2000). Ultimately, these verses lead me back to the knowledge I have that Meredith’s life and death were part of God’s plan and that He did heal Meredith by giving her the best life ever in Eternity. What I asked for, He gave her. God healed her.

Meredith was a missionary for God, a vessel He used to open our eyes to His blessings and mercy. I am thankful that her life meant so much to many, and that the purpose of her life was to further the Kingdom. The exciting part is her work is not done. What Meredith did for me was inspire and ignite in me a deeper passion for the Lord. There are things that God is requiring of me that I would have never even attempted if Meredith did not come into my life. I cannot wait to share them with you so stay tuned.

The second challenge God has placed before me is to focus on what I have rather than what I don’t. This week we studied Genesis 3, The Fall of Man. Most of you know the story but I liked how Ms. Hunt explained it, “Eve’s attention was riveted to the tree—not the garden full of goodness, not God’s gracious fellowship and provision. Just the tree… The more she looks the more appealing it becomes. It’s always that way when Satan gets us to concentrate of the temptation instead of God… How many times has the serpent tempted you to think, A good God wouldn’t keep me from this, would He?” The specifics of this account are different but the strategy is the same. I look at my life and I cannot see all of God’s goodness and grace. I know it is there, I feel it, I comprehend it but I cannot live it. For me, it always comes down to…I have all of this…but I don’t have the one thing I really want, MEREDITH. I know in order to move ahead and to fully honor Mer’s name, I must concentrate on what I have instead of all I lost.

Christenson, E. (2000). How to Pray in God's Will. In A Gentle Spirit. Barbour.
Hunt, G. (1990). Temptation’s Strategy. In NIV Women’s Devotional Bible. Zondervan.

Mega Jump

2010-06-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Matthew 14:29-30 (New International Version)

I was ready for some outdoor adventure this weekend. I was raised by a father who was no fan of outdoor adventure. He grew up very poor in an apartment across from the Ship Yard and spent time in Vietnam. When he settled down, and began earning a living, he swore he would never be hot again nor would he sleep with bugs. Thus, camping, hiking, pretty much anything outdoorsy was not on our yearly vacation agenda growing up. So, for me to even desire to do something adventurous is rare and incredibly out of character for me. However, I had the urge so my dear college friend indulged me and we checked out the US National Whitewater Park in Charlotte. Our options were limited due to financial constraints as well as our willingness to try things, but after much distress we settled on the Mega Jump. The Mega Jump is a 40-foot free-fall that requires you to jump off a launch tower that overlooks the world's largest re-circulating river. I have to say, I was totally up for the challenge. I endured the overpowering smell of the harness and hiked up to the top of this tower. The fear didn’t hit me until I got to the platform and looked ahead and, of course, down. Then it began…panic, fear, prayer! I was paralyzed with fear. I could not step off the platform. I was afraid I might have a heart attack or I would die. The handsome yet young and free spirited young instructor began to encourage me to jump by saying, “Come on, don’t be a sissy.” This kind of pressure only made me question his intelligence, but I did end of jumping due to peer pressure, I suppose. I am happy to say that even though there was little joy in that jump, there was a confirmation that I could take risks again.

I cannot really remember that last time I have felt reckless. I do know that my appetite for adventure and risk was squashed by fear, anxiety and the life I lead “walking on eggshells” in my home. I became paralyzed, isolated and confined in my late 20s. I nearly suffocated until I had my baby girl, Meredith. She was incredibly inspiring and she made me want to be something different than who I had become. However, she did not make me want to take risks. If anything, she made me want to minimize them. I wanted to be alive and well to take care of her. I wanted to be at my best and to give her the safest and an optimal environment. The cruel reality is creating this safe and consistent environment didn’t save her from harm.

How things have changed since Meredith’s birth in 2007. God has brought me from a place of fear and shame to a place of peace and freedom. I finally have to urge to fly again. I really like the Matthew passage above. In preparation for the Mega Jump, I thought of all God had asked me to do since Meredith’s death and my divorce. Every little step has been…God calling me, me walking, and then me panicking. Then, I get refocused with God’s help and I repeat the steps again. I thank God for His patience and unfailing love. I also thank Him for letting me live through the Mega Jump! My new life has required complete reliance on Christ and a bit of recklessness to achieve His dreams for me. I am still a bit fearful, sometimes paralyzed but up for the challenge.

“Whenever the realization of God comes in the faintest way imaginable, recklessly abandon…You will only realize His voice more clearly by recklessness.”~Chambers

Catalyst

2010-06-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

Meredith at 10 weeks

And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—a land flowing with milk and honey.' Exodus 3:17 (New International Version)

God has been so faithful to me and for that I am grateful. After my last post, He gave me much clarity. Not only has He confirmed over and over the vision I was given, He has also provided the path to achieve His work. There is nothing like knowing you are in God’s Will. The peace and excitement are absolutely indescribable. Although things have been going well, and I feel loved, taken care of, and hopeful, there have been times of great distress and hardship. As each week passes, I thank God for bringing me back from those dark times quickly and gently.

Last week, I was seeking understanding concerning Meredith. I get to that place often, then I leave, but my return is inevitable. A few things hit me this week about my “exception” obsession. At that moment of grief, I was seeing Meredith as a hindrance or barrier between the Lord and myself. This confusion and conflict over her cancer diagnosis and death seemed to feel like distance between God and me. However, as I thought more on this whole concept, God revealed that Meredith’s existence and death have been a catalyst in pushing me closer to Him. I have never ever heard from the Lord till Meredith was brought into my life. Yes, I felt He was leading on occasion and showing me the way in certain situations, but Meredith has propelled me to seek God in a whole different way. My walk with the Lord is not controlled by rigid rules or out of obligation; it is out of desperation to know Him deeply and a desire to be ONE with Him. I want to know the hidden meaning behind costly circumstances; I want to know the mind of Christ, His power, and His peace. Meredith made me want to be more than just a mom, a teacher and a friend. Meredith makes me want to be a woman of purpose, change and encouragement. Although the pain of losing her is excruciating, I know that it will one day be used for God’s glory.

“He that is mastered by Christ is the master of every circumstance. Does the circumstance press hard against you? Do not push it away. It is the Potter’s hand. Your mastery will come, not by arresting its progress, but by enduring its discipline, for it is not only shaping you into a vessel of beauty and honor, but it is making your resources available.” ~Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

Feeling Failed

2010-06-04T17:48:00.000-07:00

Today I felt like crying at least five or six times. Normal things and odd things triggered my tears; a friend of mine’s email about a dying brother, drama on one of my favorite shows, celebrities going back to their first jobs on Oprah. I felt as though I was walking through each of those situations with these people. It was definitely overwhelming. I know when I am weepy, I need to cry over Meredith. I need to just sit down at my computer and start writing about her. When I spend time writing, the reality sets in that she is not here. The memories come flooding back. I suppose the email I received today really made me emotionally fragile. Although the circumstances of this man’s death and Meredith’s were so different there were common threads. He was loved by many and had several hundred visitors while he was sick. God blessed his family with time to say goodbye and peace while he passed away. This man left a legacy as he loved God, loved his family and loved his community. He was 50 when he left this earth to be with Jesus. It was too early and unfair, just like Mer. As I pondered how to respond to this friend’s email, I could not come up with the words. I suppose I should have some soothing and comforting words to say; however, my own loss still haunts me.
I have been so excited about what God is doing in my life. There has been so much redemption. I feel I have been called to the ministry and I am walking forward in faith. I really don’t know what this calling looks like, but I know that there is much purpose in my story. I know that God wants me to use the lessons I have learned and heartache I have endured to help hurting women. How it all shapes up…is still an exciting mystery. As I am preparing to take the next steps forward in serving Him, there is so much unfinished business on my part. My verse for the day was Hebrews 13:5b, “I WILL NEVER FAIL YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU." It was followed by this very question, “Have I really let God say to me that He will never fail me?” (Chambers, 1963).
It is incredibly challenging to not feel deserted/failed/abandoned by the Lord when I think of losing Meredith. If I focus on the good that has occurred over the years, I know my life is so much better than it was before this tragedy, EXCEPT for losing Meredith. Everything is fixed, EXCEPT for losing Meredith. So much of God’s Word makes sense to me, EXCEPT for the part that doesn’t explain why I had to lose Meredith. This exception keeps me questioning, pondering and conflicted. In every other part of my life I don’t feel deserted, but when it comes to asking God to do a miracle and cure my little girl, I feel FAILED.
All that I know to do is TRUST that in the end redemption will be seen in all things, including the exception.
Beth

Security

2010-05-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

The theme of “trading my dreams for His” continues as new circumstances arise and I am asked to do the same thing over and over again...

SURRENDER, ABANDON, TRADE

It is apparent that God is slowly and gently working on me to throw out all the dreams I had for my life to make room for His. It has been a real power struggle…not for Christ, but for me. I know He gets tired of seeing me in complete peace and harmony one moment and then in the blink of an eye, I am in hysterics. Good gracious, sometimes I wonder if I will ever get to that place of calmness in the midst of any circumstance.

“He is the Comforter, not the Accuser; and He never shows us our need without at the same time revealing the Divine supply.”-Hannah Smith

As I reflect on my recent disappointment, I shake my head with absolute pity at my response. After I received a “no” to a position I was hoping for, it was not even a day later that an opportunity came my way; an opportunity that could possibly give me the wisdom and knowledge on how to achieve the vision God gave to me. A few days later, a different opportunity arose that could also do the same. It only took complete surrender… which means…God had to pry my dream out of my clutched fist. It is comical that when I am most desperate to hold onto something, God takes it away from me. In return, He always gives me something better.

God is working in so many ways right now. After Meredith’s second death anniversary, it was clear that He was ready to give me a new life. The last two years, I have been hard at work trying to recover from, understand and get healing from all the tragedy I have faced. He never promised me that things would be easy from here on out, nor did He promise me that all my wounds would be healed, but God did promise me a new beginning. I have been waiting to see where this new life would take me, who would be included in it, how everything would unfold. Now that the puzzle pieces are coming together, I am thrilled at the possibilities that lay ahead. I am optimistic about the future. I am hopeful. Most of all I am thankful for the road I have traveled.

“As we live by correct priorities, cultivating our relationship with Christ on a daily basis, we will begin to experience a quiet joy resulting from a sense of security that we belong to God and He is indeed in control of our lives.” –Susan Yates

Abandonment Again

2010-05-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

“Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on.” (Matthew 6:25, KJV).

I’ve been hoping and praying for about a month about something and got a disappointing yet predictable answer. I have to say I was prepared for another disappointment as this seems to be the theme in my present life. Preparation does not always mean peaceful acceptance for me. I went through a range of emotions, had a pity party, and slept for 2 hours to try to escape those feelings of "Surely, God is not for me, everything is so hard for me..."

After all my sulking, I opened up my devotion and my verse for the day was, Matthew 6:33 which reads, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Chambers went on to say, "We argue the opposite way---I must live; I must make so much money; I must be clothed; I must be fed. The great concern on our lives is not the kingdom of God, but how we are to fit ourselves to live. Jesus reverses the order.”

It appears that God is hearing my cries as He insists that I not worry and make Him my constant focus. I am attempting to be obedient as “worrying means that we do not think God can look after the practical details of our lives” (Chambers). I cannot describe the amount of energy and depth of faith it takes to live these verses out. Yet, deep down, I know that being obedient will result in immeasurable blessings. Living it is tough though and there are days where I feel too broken and too weak to keep traveling on this road of suffering.

Once again, I have found myself in complete dependence on the Lord, waiting for His command to make my next move…

Visions

2010-05-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

My emotions have been absolutely wild lately. My feelings rotate in this order: anger, anxiety, peace numbness, frustration, fear. Then, I regroup and get back to the place God requires of me consistently, complete surrender. There are so many things to be angry about, but the pressing issue for me is being unproductive. I don’t mean lazy, as I am not, but I want to move forward, I want to have my plans in place…know what my immediate future holds. I have all these things that are unfinished or are “in process.” It drives me crazy! I am like The Closer on TNT; I like to problem solve, execute and close! I get a thrill out of being productive. When I revert to my old ways, things always get harder for me. Simple tasks, like vacuuming, become moments of intense frustration. Normal activities, like brushing my teeth involve stress…I stub my toe on the way to the bathroom, the toothpaste tube won’t fit in the holder correctly and falls over, or I get engrossed in something like transferring all my home videos onto Moviemaker and the program won’t let me pan or zoom. UGH, my stress level is increasing as I remember these events!!! These simple yet annoying occurrences remind me that I am not in control of my life anymore. I cannot problem solve, execute and close my pain, or my future. The path for my life has already been placed before me. It is up to me if I walk that path or if I make my own. God has given me a vision for my future. The details are hidden, but the vision is clear.

“If God has shown us bad times ahead, it’s enough for me that He knows about them. That’s why He sometimes shows us things, you know--- to tell us that this too is in His hands.” Betsie ten Boom, The Hiding Place.

There is a great deal of fear revolving around having this new vision. The first vision I had was right around the time that I found out I was pregnant with Tyler. I remember distinctly crying on the floor in Meredith’s room. I was frightened by the idea of having two babies so close together, but what made me cry the most was this very thought, “I wonder if God gave me this baby because something is going to happen to Meredith.” I wept at the very thought. Eventually, I wrote it off as a fear and continued focusing on freaking out about have Irish Twins. But, when my vision became a reality in January of 2008, I knew that the image I received standing at Meredith’s crib was not given to me by accident.

Now God has given me another vision and instead of waiting for it to be unveiled piece by piece, I want to direct it. Yesterday’s devotion was written to me… “So often we mar God’s designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful.” I am incredibly guilty of this! It is a daily battle to match my fears with God’s truths. My past proves that God has always provided financially, emotionally, and spiritually for my children and for me. Thus, my goal is to once again walk the road of true dependence and ultimate surrender. Prayers are welcome!

“Some knowledge is too heavy…you cannot bear it…

your Father will carry it until you are able.”

Casper ten Boom- The Hiding Place

Heritage

2010-05-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3 (New King James Version)

Last year for Mother’s Day, my girlfriends took me on a beautiful and unforgettable cruise to the Caribbean. I was absolutely taken by the water, the fun all around me and the loyalty and commitment of my friends. It was a great experience and a much needed time of “make believe.” Honestly, I can hardly fathom that it has almost been a year since that trip. I remember how broken I was. I recall feeling like I would never feel anything but pain. Today I am thankful to say that on this Mother’s Day, I don’t have to be in a fantasy world to make it through. I can actually see myself living a purposeful life. The glimmer of hope I had has turned into a reality.

By God's grace, I have broken free from so many things this year. It has been a time of tremendous healing and ultimate freedom. The guilt, shame and pain I have felt surrounding all the events that have taken place in my life have been truly taken from me. I am a different person in so many ways. Through the years, I have wondered why God allowed all of my struggles to have taken place at one time. I wondered what purpose He had in allowing my daughter to get sick, my marriage to fall apart and in that mix, He gave me a new baby. Those occurrences seemed almost too much to bear. But, as I look back, each happening occurred to open my eyes to the truth about my life. If they all hadn’t happened simultaneously, I would not be in the safe and freeing place I am today. So, even though the events that took place were unbearable and horrific, they were all necessary.

Even though healing has taken place in my life, and many chains have been broken, the memories of where I have been still bring me to my knees. It is freeing to feel less pain on a continual basis when I think of Meredith’s death. But, when the memories surface and I remember the loss my soul is crushed. Being 2 years out from Meredith’s death is conflicting. On one hand, I am so grateful for the healing and progress. On the other hand, I am still overwhelmed and shocked by losing her. I am thankful for the time God has put between Mer’s death and the present, while at the same time, devastated that it has been so long since I have touched her.

On this Mother’s Day, God gave me Psalm 127:3, so I have spent the day exploring the word “heritage.” I know that Meredith’s life left a mark on humanity. God’s creation of her and his taking her were not mistakes. “God is sovereign and what He does is perfect. It doesn’t look perfect, but He’s over all and there are no accidents.” (Kay Arthur). Meredith left her own legacy, one that makes me proud to have been her Mom. What a reward it was for me to have Meredith for as long as I did. She was so amazing, and she brought me so much joy. Now that she is gone, I feel God wants me to continue to share her legacy with those of you who never knew her.

I’ve also pondered what my legacy is thus far. If my time ended at this moment, what would people say about me? Sure, I want people to say nice things, but what I really desire is to remembered as a survivor; an example, of living through your worst nightmare, by living for the Lord. I want people to know that you can lose almost everything, deemed important in this world, but can be held together and made whole again through Christ. I don’t really know what my legacy will look like in the end, but God has commanded me to expect Him to do greater things than He has ever done before.

My little man...a true Mother's Day Miracle!

Your Mercy Made Her Whole

2010-04-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

It has quite some time since I have blogged. This month has been full of deep thought, anticipatory grief, numbness and physical training. Making it through December, January, February, March and April is always a miracle and a huge relief. I was absolutely floored by the outpouring of love and prayers I received on Meredith’s death anniversary. My coworkers let me off work to reflect and rest at the beach with the most AMAZING group of women and two toddlers, I received approximately 40 emails/texts/FB messages, and had care packages and flowers sent to my home. My family and I are SO loved and I want you to know how much it means to me. I do not take you for granted. I am incredibly humbled and thankful for your support.

Meredith’s death anniversary was so different this year. I still felt numb, but there was a peace in my soul and a confidence that I could live through this day of painful remembrance. I have heard numerous times that getting to the two year mark is a huge success as a bereaved parent. It can also be a sobering and reflective time. The reality that my child is gone is absolutely undeniable. The finality is crystal clear.

On the day of Meredith’s death, I went for a run on the beach. It was brisk and windy and I had the entire beach to myself. I was listening to Mercy by Casting Crowns and was drawn to the chorus...

Your mercy saved me

Mercy made me whole

Your mercy found me

Called me as Your own

It made me think of Meredith and how God’s mercy did save her and by Him taking her to Heaven she was made whole. I know that if she had remained on this Earth, I could have never made her “whole.” She would have suffered greatly. The cancer did so much damage to her in such a short amount of time and deep down, I know that God gave her the best life she could have. I am grateful for His mercy and for making her His own.

I look forward to the day that I am made whole. What God did for Meredith inspires me to keep moving forward. I don’t want to waste one more moment on frivolous and meaningless things. What God did for Meredith makes me proud to be called one of His Own.

Girls Night In, Tonight!

2010-04-18T05:22:00.000-07:00

Beth Eastman and Kim Williams
Ashley Marble's House

5640 Bennettwood CourtRaleigh, NC 27612 US
When:Sunday, April 18, 6:30PM
Phone:919-239-4110

Get outfitted for Spring, Join us for a Girls Night In! Learn how to make your eyes dance with a smoky eye lesson from a makeup artist. Add some fancy fine Silpada jewelry and you are ready for a night on the town. All the proceeds from jewelry and makeup sales go to Angels Among Us for Mer Mer's Angels.

If you are out of the Raleigh area please note that you can still be a part of our fundraising. Check out Ashley's Silpada website for online ordering... www.mysilpada.com/ashley.marbleEmail Courtney for Arbonne makeup orders cwoodfin1@nc.rr.com.

Trading Dreams

2010-04-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

As I approach year 2 without Meredith, I am full of sadness, confusion and hope. I am presently training to run the 5K at the Angels Among Us race on April 24th, so it was timely that today's' sermon was on "Running God's Race." Recovering from the events that have taken place in my life over the past few years, has been like running a marathon. I have had to train my mind, body and soul to stay focused on the finish line. It has been a hard and long race, and I am not even close to the end... But, God knew all that I would face in my life…He knew I would watch my daughter thrive and develop into a lovely toddler, and He knew I would watch her suffer and die of brain cancer. He also knew I would survive her death even though there are days I yearn to leave this world to be with her.

God knew the same memories that haunt me and sometimes torment me would encourage and motivate me. He made Meredith incredibly unique. She made me a better person; she made me want to be the best Mom in the world. I never imagined I would not have her to hold, to tickle, snuggle with and to pour all my love into. This is God’s mystery that maybe in time He will reveal to me. For now, I wait and I try to make a new life with what I have left.

God has taught me a lot. A reoccurring thought I have is, "I could have done it. I could have taken care of Meredith and Tyler by myself even if Meredith was disabled." A lot of times people say, "God won't give you more than you can handle," and I kept thinking to myself that I could have done it. I would have given up my whole life and dedicated it to my babies. It would have been worth it to still have her.

When I go to this place, God always inspires me by His beauty. While at my parent's church one Sunday, I looked at the stain glass up front that said, "I am the vine and you are the branches." I closed my eyes and envisioned my baby girl in the beautiful scene of flowing water and vibrant colors. In that moment, Jesus whispered to me, "She is doing great, Beth. She is waiting for you to get here. She cannot wait to see you again." What a glorious moment that will be…not only will I be in Heaven and see God the Father, I will also see Meredith and all the people that were led to Him by her birth, life and death.

As I enter Heaven, I will not think about all the years I waited to see Meredith again or what I saw in the hospital. I will not recall the doctor suggesting that I should think about "how far I wanted to go" in order to save her life. I will forget all of the pain and the suffering that seems unbearable and what I will see is Jesus, the son of God in all His glory. I will see the God that has held my hand through every part of my life. Who never forgot me, who never left me, and who told me that He would provide everything I needed if I truly let Him be my vine. John 15:5-8 says,

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”

So, I am a branch…a wilted, weak, sometimes perky but mostly droopy branch. My leaves and fruit are flawed, tattered and barely hanging on, but they are still there. God gives me the nourishment that I need each day and I believe there will be a time when my branch will be strong, perky and full of fruit. One day I will have the strength to encourage a wilted, tattered and weak branch to depend on the vine just as I did.

Lord, help me to know you more intimately. Help me to know you are with me. All of my dreams, my hopes and goals have been shattered. You have eliminated some and changed others. Help me to find encouragement in the past- in the men and women who have been destitute, persecuted and mistreated but were all commended for their faith in the end. (Hebrews 11:37-39,NIV). I have traded my dreams for Yours, Lord. I beg You to take them to greater heights than I could have ever dreamed.

Easter 2010

2010-04-04T19:13:00.000-07:00

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Colossians 1:15-20

I haven’t written in forever; primarily because I have busied myself with other things in an effort to avoid it! I cry the most when I write. As soon as I start typing, I know the memories and feelings will come like a tidal wave. I hate this process even though it is a healing one. Easter is a hard time for me. Just like all holidays, it is full of family time, exciting events and good food. I appreciate the time with the ones I love, but am constantly plagued by the reality of being a bereaved parent. I tried really hard to focus on the meaning of Easter rather than my pain. I love the description of God in this Colossians passage. It helps me remember that I am not living this life for a God that is distant and powerless. He is a God that walks with me, comforts me, and guides me. He has the power to change evil into good, He knows our past, present and future and waits patiently for us to come to Him and love Him above all else. Yes, I know who God is and His glory. I have seen evidence of Him in the good and bad times. I just wish my mind and heart could stay connected constantly.

On Saturday, we took Tyler to an Easter Egg Hunt and it was a blast. James City County put out 10,000 eggs for kids ages 1-2, 3-4, and 5-6. Tyler had such a good time and I did too. He was so aggressive and focused on getting eggs. But, he was sensitive too. He never took an egg away from another kid. He had the perfect balance of determination and compassion. I was a proud Mommy. As we finished up with his egg hunt, we stayed to watch the three and four year olds get their eggs. I didn’t realize until I was gazing at the field that my daughter would have been out there. Tyler and I would be cheering her on as she grabbed those colored eggs and placed them in her basket. What I wouldn’t give to see her do what normal kids do. However, all I have is the unfathomable sadness of ‘what might have been.’
This sadness catapulted me into a place of ‘Meredith memories’ that I do not like to visit often. Her death anniversary is quickly approaching, and at the same time, I feel like God is asking me to walk back through all of my journal entries starting in January of 2008 till now. In April of 2008, Meredith was released from the hospital and was making so much progress. I actually believed she would live. It seemed as if a miracle was going to occur. Days later, we were told there was nothing else to be done. The cancer came back with a vengeance and the fight was over. Oh, the memories of those days that lead up to the 14th haunt me. If only I could forget the feelings of helplessness, powerless, despair. If only, the story could be rewritten. If only I could just focus on the goodness Meredith brought to my life, the mercy God showed in the midst of so much pain, the perfection of His plan.
As I tossed in agony over the memories of Meredith’s death, I was prompted to read my devotion and sure enough God challenged me through Oswald Chambers once again…"Never be afraid when God brings back the past. Let memory have its way. It is a minister of God with its rebuke and chastisement and sorrow. God will turn the ‘might have been’ into a wonderful culture for the future.”
One day it will all be clear to me. One day the ‘if only’s” and “what ifs” will change into “thank you’s.” Until that day, I continue to faithfully wait.

"If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes.” Luke 19:42 (NIV).

Girls Night In!

2010-03-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't written in awhile and all I send out is fundraiser information, but I promise it will change some time soon. I am currently in writing mode for a "top secret God-given assignment" and haven't had the time to connect with you. A lot of things are going on in my mind and heart and I promise to share them when I can find the time and energy to put them on paper. Until then...you get more fundraising requests. Please join us for this "Girls Night In" on April 18th. It will be a great time and I would love to see many of you there! Beth

Girls Night In!
Hosts:
Beth Eastman and Kim Williams
Location:
Ashley Marble's House

5640 Bennettwood Court

Raleigh, NC 27612 US
When:
Sunday, April 18, 6:30PM
Phone:
919-239-4110

All the proceeds from jewelry and makeup sales go to Angels Among Us for Mer Mer's Angels.
If you are out of the Raleigh area please note that you can still be a part of our fundraising. Check out Ashley's Silpada website for online ordering... www.mysilpada.com/ashley.marbleEmail Courtney for Arbonne makeup orders cwoodfin1@nc.rr.com.

Fundraising Report

2010-03-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

I am *ecstatic* to tell you that we raised $809 at the GSC fundraiser. Thanks in no small part to Brendan's excellent salesmanship and Josh's work early in the day wearing the sign and hawking sales of M&Ms and cookies. This is roughly $200 OVER what we brought in last year, so even though we had a smaller crowd, we made more $$ in the end. God is GREAT!

Thank you to all the Exploris families who baked goods, helped served hotdogs and worked the crowds for contributions. Rene' and family, you are incredible!

Beth

Fundraiser tomorrow!!!!

2010-03-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

Come join us in fundraising for Team Mer Mer.

Here are some perks...
15% off your tree and shrub purchase
Mamma Mia pizza will fire up our pizza oven and serve samples from 11-3
Hot Dogs hot off the grill to benefit Mer Mer's Angels/ Angels Among Us 5K & Family Fun Walk
Various industry vendors on hand to answer plant questions and help you with other garden solutions
Dinner Savvy will show you how to easily prepare and serve your family fun meals
The Grove School of Cary a fresh new pre-school find out how your child can grow with them
Grace Li Wang will be sharing her mixed-media artistry
Live Music - Local Band "Westwood Back Porch String Band" will be performing from 11-1
Live Music - Local Band "No Worries" will be performing from 1-3
Fun games, face painting and activities for kids
Reps from J&D Tree Pros will be on hand to answer questions about tree removal

The Rungs in Which I Will Ascend!

2010-03-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

Your strength, my weakness

here they always meet,

When I lay down my burden at Your feet:

The things that seem to crush will in the end

Be seen as rungs on which I did ascend!

~Corrie ten Boom

I cannot believe it, but I feel myself making some headway in my grief. The second year after the death of your child is worse than the first, and in some ways it has been. In other ways, I have been able to experience moments of hope and even times of joy.

Yesterday, I retrieved all of Meredith’s clothes from Cat’s house. I have been storing them there since the big move almost two years ago. I’ve wanted them under my roof for some time, but the timing wasn’t right before now. I cannot describe what clothes mean to a bereaved parent. They are like treasure; theseaterial items bring back so many good memories… I held up some of the preemie outfits Meredith wore. I cannot believe she was only 5 pounds 13 ounces when she was born. She was tiny! Her head and feet were so small that her ‘coming home from the hospital’ outfit consisted of my baby dress, and baby doll hat and booties. I’m not kidding…they were on my baby doll when I was a little girl. Crazy!!!! I loved all of Meredith’s clothes. I spent more time planning and coordinating her outfits then my own. Her dress, bib, hat, and socks all matched. I waited a long time to get my dream girl and dressing her up was so much fun. When I sat looking at all those bags of clothes, I could not believe I wasn’t crying my eyes out. I really thought it would be this conflicting moment that would send me into a deep depression. I was so encouraged when I shed a few tears and was able to keep going. Now that is progress!

March 14th was the “one month away from death day.” I was not shocked but obviously annoyed when my verse for the day was Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” Yes, the verse can really get under my skin. I mean, I have loved God since age eight. So, if I love Him, how could allowing Meredith to get cancer and die be “all things working for good?” I know that I am trying to be too literal with this scripture, and God obviously wants me to do some work on understanding its deeper meaning and context. As I searched for meaning and clarification, my annoyance quickly turned into an epiphany when I understood the tense that was being used, “And all things work ----they are working; not all things have worked, or shall work; but it is a present operation.” Thus, trying to isolate Meredith’s cancer and death into something good cannot be done. All of the struggles, disappointments and trials I have faced together are the good works that will one day come together like a perfect, symmetrical web.

Now that is food for thought.....

A Funk

2010-03-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been incredibly challenging. I have been in a “funk” ever since Meredith’s birthday. I cannot really pinpoint what is bothering me among the ever present troubles that surround me. I think it is the frustration of all the components that have left me in this yucky place. These are troubling months for me. I am trying desperately to see the goodness of life and the blessings of a new beginning. At the same time, the memories of the past cloud my view.

I have been feeling the effects of Meredith’s life and death heavily. It has been increasingly hard to watch the little ones around me grow up. All Meredith’s friends are still here. I can only imagine what she would be like. Yesterday, I was watching my three year old nephew interact with Tyler I could not help but imagine Meredith in his place. I could see Mer and Ty sitting beside each other watching Barney. I could see them feeding the ducks together, fighting over toys, and riding in the double stroller. I know they would have loved each other so much. It’s these visions that test my faith to the core.

“These things have I spoken to you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." (John 15:11)

The themes of my devotions this week have been “gifts” and “joy.” My mind tells me these are not things God wants me to be focusing on right now… But, my heart knows that when you hear and read the same themes over and over they are from the Lord. I just cannot figure out how to focus on the gifts God has given me and the joy I should have in Him. I find this absolutely daunting and feel like a complete failure. The truth is, I have so many things to be grateful for and when I do focus on Meredith’s death and the disappointment of all the events that transpired during that time, the heaviness nearly overcomes me. I can hardly hold on to God’s promises. It is a daily battle.

As I have been praying through these feelings of inadequacy, I was challenged by this statement, “…tribulation, distress, persecution, produce in us the super-joy; they are not things to fight. We are more than conquerors through Him in all these things, not in spite of them, but in the midst of them."~Oswald Chambers

So, I have been asking God how to feel his joy in my circumstances. How do I become like Paul who was exceedingly joyful in all his tribulation? The task seems unachievable. But I know that being shaped and molded by the Father is all about His perfect timing. Unfortunately, I want a quick fix; I don’t like to wait on anyone or anything. My nature is to identify the problem, develop a solution and fix it. It is no longer up to me to do this. I have to face my problems, wait on the solution and patiently ask for a fix that may or may not come in my lifetime.

One day I will not feel overcome by the darkness of my circumstances. One day I will be strong enough and wise enough to feel joy in the midst of great pain. One day I will look in the eyes of my Father and thank Him for giving and taking away the things that I held most dear on Earth.

“Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors thorough Him that loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

Fundraiser for Mer Mer's Angels

2010-02-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

Garden Supply Company's Annual Spring Festival
Fundraiser for Angels Among Us-Meredith Elisabeth
March 20, 2010
Garden Supply Company1421 Old Apex Road

Cary, NC 27513(919) 460-7747

The fundraiser at GSC will take place from 9:30am to 3pm. We'll need two production lines and extra folks to be runners (to fill lemonade, attend to condiments, etc.) and sell baked goods out and about among the crowds. We need volunteers to make baked goods or pre-package stuff like M&Ms that we can sell. We also need a banquet/cafeteria/tailgating table if anyone has one...a card table would be too wide.

All the proceeds from the hotdog stand as well as the baked goods will go to Mer Mer's Angels. You can go to http://www.angelsamongus.org/ to register to walk with us on Saturday, April 24th or if you are willing to help out with the fundraiser, please contact bedwards007@gmail.com or Rene Hart renehart@earthlink.net.

There are two sign up times that need to be filled… 9:30-12:00 & 12:00-3:00. If you can come out an help but not in these two time slots, feel free to come whenever you can.

Meredith Elisabeth Edwards 2/16/07-4/14/08 (Wall of Honor)

Meredith “Mer Mer” was the most beautiful baby girl you ever laid your eyes on and was a pure joy to our family. When she was first born she had the brightest pink lips, blue eyes, and fairest skin you had ever seen. My father commented that he had never seen such a beautiful baby and that she looked like a china doll.Mer Mer was a delightful baby who loved to laugh and squeal. Mer Mer loved to be held morning, noon, and night; her pink bunny; her dog, Puddin’; and playing with her best friend, Lily. She could give the most serious look when she was displeased about something. For example, when her cousin would pat her head she would give him a look as if to say,“you have got to stop that... really.” In January 2008, she had what was thought to be the flu and was taken to the ER. It was there that it was discovered that she had a brain tumor. She was rushed to Duke Hospital where the diagnosis of Medulloblastoma was given. She put up quite a fight as she underwent two brain surgeries and two rounds of chemotherapy before she lost her battle with cancer. Mer Mer is missed by her entire family and her memories will live in our hearts forever.

Angels Among Us is a celebration of life, strength, courage and commitment. It has become a national event, with thousands coming from all across the country to volunteer, participate, and make a difference.

The event begins with a 5K run through the Duke campus, and then features a wonderful family fun walk through the beautiful Sarah P. Duke Gardens. It has a family-friendly focus with entertainment, food, raffle, souvenirs, activities and prizes for children, and a closing ceremony where the top ten fundraising teams receive an award, and the grand total for the event is announced.

The success of Angels Among Us has continued to grow each year with the help of many committed volunteers, Duke staff, and the teams made up of families and friends of those who have had brain or spinal tumors. At the first event in 1994, a total of $27,000 was raised. This year’s event raised over $1,410,540. Unbelievable!

Beth Eastman
Kim Williams

Rene Hart

Birthdays

2010-02-22T18:20:00.000-08:00

God does not give us overcoming life; He gives us life as we overcome ~Oswald Chambers

Thank you so much for praying me through last week’s birthdays. Your cards, emails, FB messages and phone calls were such a blessing. I have to admit that it was a minute by minute battle to make it through past memories and to face the present and the future. Celebrating and mourning Meredith’s 3rd birthday was one of the hardest things I have done. Last year was totally different. I was in the midst of such raw grief and I was used to crying every day if not every minute. I got through her 2nd birthday with much more ease as I was hardly coherent. This year was so hard. The depression and pain were intense. The fact that Meredith wasn’t coming back sat upon my chest like concrete. The reality that my daughter is dead still astounds and completely shocks me. In the middle of all those emotions and feelings of horror this little blond haired, happy faced, talkative boy stood before me. “Mama okay?” he would say. “I love you too” he would repeat as I wept. What an indescribable gift God gave me when I was blessed with Tyler. No, he doesn’t fill the void left by Mer, but he certainly makes me get out of bed and face each day. Not only did I get out of bed, I threw him a rather large Barney Birthday Bash that nearly killed me. I cooked, cleaned, planned games, and scoured all of Raleigh to buy purple and green decor. It was so much fun to shower him with love, attention and gifts. This celebration was also a good reminder that there is joy to be felt on this Earth.

I tried to stay close to the Lord last week, but it was a struggle. When I reach a certain place of despair, I just don’t want to crack open my devotions or read the Bible. Sometimes the words feel like salt in my wounds. However, I read a little each day from My Utmost for His Highest and was once again comforted and encouraged by the words on the page. On Meredith’s birthday the verse was Ephesians 5:14, “Arise from the dead.” February 17th was “Arise and eat” (1 Kings 19:5), February 18th: “Rise, let us be going” (Matthew 26:46) and on February 19th it was “Arise, shine” from Isaiah 60:1. How fascinating it was that Oswald Chambers knew (from Heaven of course) that I would need to be challenged in the areas of …spiritual initiative, depression, despair and drudgery. I couldn’t help but wonder if he had been struggling with these same issues on the same days only in the early 1900s.

His words, “When the inspiration of God does come, it comes with such miraculous power that we are able to arise from the dead and do the impossible thing” brought many thoughts to my mind. If only this passage was meant for Meredith and she could arise from the dead, how my life would change. But, instead it was pertaining to me. When you lose a child, a part of you dies too. I might look put together or look like I am doing well, but I am emotionally disabled and forever disfigured. I will never look tidy, complete and put together on the inside. Frankly, I have felt like the walking dead since January 2008. I have been able to do the things I have done by praying and seeking God with every step.

On Meredith’s 3rd birthday, I was deeply moved by the notion of God raising me from this “dead” place of despair and tragedy. I want to live again. I want to feel joy in the simple things of life and one day I even want to dream.

Get a hold of God, not of the answer

2010-02-14T18:59:00.000-08:00

“Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee.” (Psalm 55:22, KJV).

I am currently reading Corrie Ten Boom’s book, A Prisoner and Yet… and the feelings it evokes in my soul are indescribable. Although I experienced only a small portion of her pain, I still feel a connection to her. Throughout these two years I have read many of her words in the devotions I have been given. But, those snippets do not compare to the power of her story. Corrie was a tremendous example of how to love God in the midst of great suffering. I was struck the other night by one of her thoughts about God. She was incredibly focused on Him and undeniably grateful for His mercy in the most horrific situation imaginable. When she arrived at the Ravensbruck Concentration Camp she saw a young girl who was feeble-minded, emaciated and alone. Her heart ached as she begged God to take this poor child to Him quickly. Perplexed she held on to the fact that, “God makes no mistakes. He looks upon trouble and grief with the intent that we shall bring it to Him and leave it with Him” (Boom, 1954). I was struck by this idea of when we don’t understand the “why” of suffering that our goal should be to just “get a hold of God, not of the answer.” (Chambers, 1935).

I know this is what God is requiring of me. As I approach my daughter’s birthday it’s so hard to not focus on the horrors of my reality. She would be three on Tuesday. She would have been so cute, so sweet, and so unique. I would be throwing a birthday party for a girl and a boy. But, instead I get to grieve the loss of a precious innocent little baby. Instead of celebrating I will be mourning. It’s incredibly sad and heart wrenching. However, I know Meredith dying was not a mistake. It is a daily struggle to bring my suffering to the Lord and to leave my pain with Him, but if I do not I will surely succumb to my circumstances.

“Praying is bringing to the Lord everything that troubles and distresses us. It means leaving our burden of cares with Him and going on without it.”~Corrie Ten Boom

Flashbacks

2010-02-03T16:49:00.000-08:00

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NASB)

One of my recent devotions challenged me to get in the habit of saying “Speak, Lord” in all circumstances. Thus, at one A.M. on Monday I sat in Tyler’s floor and said it. My child had been up for an hour with the croup. I had tried all the home remedies, had spoken to the nurse and was waiting to hear from the doctor. Tyler was happily playing with Mr. Potato Head while I began asking God, “You really want me to go to the ER? Seriously?” I am not naive in thinking that I will never have to take a trip to the emergency room. I realize I have a boy and that he is already a risk taker. I am sure my life will consist of many visits, but the timing of this visit was just plain agonizing.

As I was waiting for the doctor to confirm that an ER trip was in our immediate future, the memories came rushing back. Where would I go? I could not face the Wake Medical ER. I could not take another baby into that hospital. Would I have to convince the doctor’s there was something wrong? Would I be able to do this on my own? I began to gather our things together and walked out the door with Mr. Croup wrapped in my arms. I drove to that ER totally in control and on a mission. The room was as I expected. I immediately knew how to turn on the TV and how to adjust the lighting. I instantly recalled the purpose of the machines and watched as the nurse checked Tyler's vitals.

The fear of losing Tyler crossed my mind, but most of my trauma surrounded around the flashbacks. I was in this place two years ago. I was sitting in a hospital room waiting for a doctor, waiting for answers, and I was waiting with a baby. What kind of God allows this? What lesson is to be learned through this event? I just couldn’t imagine the necessity of this illness and it occurring during this time. January through April are absolutely heart wrenching months for me. I am plagued with the memories of Meredith’s cancer diagnosis, Tyler’s birthday, Meredith’s birthday, my divorce day, and Meredith’s death anniversary. If I could escape these months in Bora Bora that would certainly ease some of the pain. But, NO! I get to go back to the place I dread the most, the hospital. Ugh!
Now that the dust has settled, Tyler is on the mend, the ice has melted and work has resumed, I sit in wonder of how this ER trip fits into my purpose on this Earth. It sounds kind of trivial to think that every event has a purpose, but I have learned the hard way that all my life events and relationships are being weaved together in a bizarre and unique tapestry. The end product will only look good in God’s eyes that is certain.

When I got over my usual pity party, I returned to God’s Word and sure enough He brought me back to 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. I found great comfort knowing that I am not alone. When I was driving in the ice that night, I was not alone. When I entered that room with my child, I was not alone. When I faced my greatest fears and walked through my worst nightmare, I was NOT alone.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...

Revelation

2010-01-29T07:41:00.000-08:00

Give me a revelation

Show me what to do'

Cause I've been trying to find my way

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without you

I've got nothing without you
“Revelation” by Third Day

I have been blessed with many revelations about my life in recent weeks. I was walking into Food Lion to buy coffee one evening and I felt a sense of excitement about my future. I was actually looking forward to what was going to be accomplished due to my recent experiences. I also felt something that once seemed unattainable, HOPE. I have spent years listening to scripture and God’s promises. He says in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” However, when Meredith got sick and died, I never thought I would have hope again. I envisioned a mediocre, bearable life, but never a good, satisfying, healthy one. Two years after the death of my amazing daughter, a failed marriage and the birth of my sweet son I am thrilled and frightened to claim that I once again have hope.

Acceptance

2010-01-17T11:29:00.000-08:00

God does not comfort us to make us comfortable. But to make us comforters.

~John Henry Jowlett

It’s so tempting to avoid the memories of the past, to somehow fill my time with other people and things. I do a pretty good job of it. I have a lot of good and positive things to focus on. However, I can get so focused on my day to day tasks that I forget or avoid my grief. I know I need to stop and feel it. I have to release it. If I didn’t, it would fester within me and eventually ruin all the work and progress that I have made so far.

Sometimes I jot down all the things that Tyler is saying and doing on Sundays. I usually do it at church when my mind wonders (don't tell the pastor!). Today I was recording Tyler’s new sayings, like “not working!” (about his train) and “Baby Bop crying!?” (from Barney, of course). It is absolutely glorious and joyful to observe all of his new words and actions. He amazes me continuously with his antics. I am so grateful to have him in my life. He is such a gift. It is during these times that I can feel so much joy while at the same time feel utter grief. I don’t get to witness Meredith talking. I don’t get to see what she would be like with her peers and with her brother. I don’t get to see my daughter turn three next month. Cancer stole her from me and frankly I am angry and disappointed that my baby was the one. If only it could have been me…

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18 (New International Version)

I made a promise to God that I would do whatever He wanted me to do with the rest of my life. Now I find myself upset with Him over what He has asked me to do. Without going into too much detail, God is asking me to go back through 2008 again. I have spent the last two years dealing with the events that transpired in my life. Finally, I am in a good place. Two years later, things are clearer and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have forgotten some of the horrific scenes that plagued my mind and heart on a daily basis. Now that I am stronger, He has asked me to revisit my story. Part of me never wants to read those words again. I want to block out every frightening detail. But, as I have prayed over and over about the next step I am to take, God leads me back to the words that He gave me during my journey. Although I am frightened to open up the painful memories, God reminded me in Isaiah 66:13 that, as a mother comforts her child, so will [He] comfort [me].

My acceptance of what God wants for me is crucial. As I watched the baby dedication this morning I was reminded of how serious God takes our promises. When I stood before the Lord and gave my baby girl to Him, I did it out of tradition as well as desire. I realized when God took Meredith to Heaven that I He hadn’t failed me by not healing her, He took my promise to heart, and He did what was right for her. It’s time for me to keep my promise to Him. I did all I could for Meredith her on Earth. And even though what God has asked me to do in the last few years of my life has left me brokenhearted and contrite, I know that “ God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Beth

Wrestling

2009-12-18T17:59:00.000-08:00

And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. Genesis 32:24 (NIV).

As I gaze into the pictures of my daughter, I see myself. It takes my mind a minute or two to register what is before my eyes. This child had my eyes and a piece of my soul within her, and now those eyes and that part of me are dead.

I cannot believe it has been almost two years since my nightmare began. It was this very weekend two years ago that my life would never be the same. The flashbacks have come on strong lately. I see myself in the hospital with Meredith. I remember the effects of the surgeries and chemotherapy. I cannot get the visions of her just lying there so sick out of my mind. The tears begin…these tears burn my eyes and send shooting pains to my brow. These are tears of intense anguish. Even though with every drop relief comes, they burn within me and lead me back to a place I have visited so many times before.

I cry out to the Lord, “Why?” I stand before Him in disbelief that He could allow my sweet precious baby to die.

Lately, my time with the Lord has been similar to a WWF wrestling match. I was reminded by my devotions this week that wrestling before God is actually His permissive will. Furthermore, “It is our reaction to the permissive will of God that enables us to get at His order”(Chambers, 1963). I have found this to be incredibly true. The more I grapple the more strength I receive.

Beware of squatting lazily before God instead of putting up a glorious fight so that you may lay hold of His strength. –Oswald Chambers

Chambers, O. (1963). My Utmost for His Highest. Barbour Publishing, Inc.

"We Remember Them"

2009-12-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

In the rising of the sun and its going down, we remember them.

In the blowing of the wind and the chill of winter, we remember them.

In the opening of buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember them.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of the summer, we remember them.

In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn, we remember them.

When we weary and in need of strength, we remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them.

When we have joys we yearn to share, we remember them.

So long as we live, they too shall live,

for they are now a part of us,

as we remember them.

From the Gates of Prayer

Poster Child for Suffering

2009-12-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Fear not: peace be unto thee, be strong, yea, be strong. Daniel 10:19

As Christmas swiftly approaches, my thoughts and emotions shift from numbness and denial, to desperation and despair. Unfortunately, the celebration of Christ’s birth can be absolutely heartbreaking for a bereaved parent. It has been surreal to watch others prepare for the season of thanksgiving, joy and peace all the while thinking about what I’ve lost.

When I became a parent, I never imagined that I would have to let go of my child. I know God kept my mind from going down that road early on. If I, or any of us, concentrated on such a great loss, it would be such a bleak existence. But, once it has happened to you, the horror sets in that you will spend the rest of your life with an indescribable loss. It can make even the happiest times dreadful and lonely.

Being a bereaved parent defines who you are, realigns your thinking forever and makes you vulnerable to a sadness that penetrates every inch of your body. The suffering can be less evasive over time, but it never leaves. You can only heal but so much.

I have been pondering the healing that has taken place in my life since 2008. The road has been tough, sometimes unbearable, but through all of my suffering a great deal of comfort has been bestowed upon me. People have pointed out the blessings in my life over the past two years, but my mind and heart have been consumed with so much hurt and betrayal, I really could not comprehend these things. For the first time, I have been able to see the big picture. I have been able to see God's purpose in all my pain.

Today, one of the pastors at my church read this quote from George Mueller, “Our Father never takes anything from His children unless He means to give them something better.” As I began to analyze this quote I immediately thought…”Well, this does not apply to me because he cannot give me another baby that is better than Meredith.” But, then I realized that this quote is not about giving me a “better baby” or another baby at all. It’s about how God gives us a different perspective and focus when He takes things or people away. For me, He gave me a “Kingdom Focus” and for that I am grateful.

Losing Meredith has just about killed me, but it has also led me to the cross for every breath I take. I breathe because God wants me to, because He is not done with me on this Earth. I have been branded by Jesus and although it has been painful physically and emotionally, the presence of Christ in my life is worth it.

Thanking You This Thanksgiving!

2009-11-30T13:41:00.000-08:00

Healing requires that in an act of faith, we turn from reliance on human strategies for healing and turn to God by choosing to face the truth and feel. (Steven R. Tracy, Mending the Soul, 2005).

During this time of the year, I want to run from the realities of my life and the feelings that come along with them. I fear an emotional avalanche coming on and it frightens me. I wish I could feel joy during the holidays. It has been so long since I have actually been excited about celebrating with family and friends. I try to just get through these times. But, Holidays are followed by the birthdays of a dead child, a living child, and finally the death anniversary of my precious Mer. I spend half of my year preparing for emotionally taxing months and the rest of the year getting through those months. I don’t want to sound like “Debbie Downer.” I do desire to walk around chipper and excited about things. I know I won’t always feel this way. I know it will get better as more healing takes place.

This year I wanted to create a list of what I was thankful for, but it never came to fruition. I want to put into words the gratitude I feel toward God, my family, and my precious friends,but I don’t even know where to start. I knew this process would also require me to “face the truth and feel,” which is something I avoid continually. As I was working on my Bible Study this week, I read the first step in healing from an unhealthy relationship. Stage 1 is to Establish Safety. As I began to ponder this stage, it reminded me of the amazing job my family and friends have done to provide me with a safe environment and most of all, a place to start over.

Thank You God:

for giving me a hope and a future,
for protecting my babies from evil,
for giving my baby girl a new life of absolute bliss and joy,
for protecting me from long-term physical harm,
for keeping my townhouse in my name and making me come back to it,
for allowing me to have the parents I have
and friends who fall at your feet and pray for me.

Thank you Mom & Dad:

For allowing me to be myself,
for listening to me vent,
for sharing intimate moments with me full of sorrow and suffering,
for financially providing for me to stay home with Tyler till he was 18 months old,
for guarding me like a hedge of thorns from my enemies,
for giving me freedom to express myself openly,
and for making me the woman I am today.

Thank you Family:

Mike & Kim

for letting me move in with a baby dying from cancer, an infant and our Mother,
for opening your home up to many people eager to help,
for saying, “you can live with us” without hesitation when we needed a place to live,
for supporting me for 8 months after Meredith died and allowing your house to be used as a hotel for all the various family members who wanted to come help.

Aunt Joyce Lynne

for guarding me like a hawk in the hospital,
for your strength and diligence to keep me from going into premature labor with Tyler,
for your persistence that I sit and be wheeled in a wheelchair all around Duke for weeks,
for your wisdom.

Aunt Bev

for helping me see the truth,
for your wisdom,
for holding my baby girl all night in the hospital so she would feel love and comfort in the arms of her family instead of the coldness of her hospital bed,
and for your prayers and encouragement.

Mama Too

for being on your knees for me all the time,
who at 84 years old, held my baby girl in her arms as well for hours,
and for your wisdom and encouragement.

Thank you Cat:

For being there for me through thick and thin,
for loving me like a sister,
for listening to me laugh, cry, grieve, vent, think outloud, etc…
for talking on the phone to me at least 5 times a day (if not more),
for being like a mother to Meredith and loving her like one of your own,
for pulling me out of the pit and always asking me “what is God telling you, Beth?”
For protecting me from harm and giving me a second chance at life,
for accepting me for who I am and where I am.
For being one of my spiritual rocks,
for knowing me better than I know myself,
for your encouragement, love, and support through my divorce and the death of my child.
for sacrificing your own needs for mine.
For helping me through the hardest times of my life.
For your prayers, wisdom and discernment.
and for being a friend that only God could have put in my life.

There are so many more that I would like to thank, but that took a lot of emotional energy. Thank you to all of you for loving me and my babies. Happy Thanksgiving 2009!

Beth

Mercy Meredith & Miracle Tyler

2009-11-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.Psalm 57:1

I cannot believe that 21 months ago I birthed my “miracle baby.” I will never forget weeping over Meredith’s crib when I found out I was pregnant again. I was frightened of the unknown, and wondered how I would manage having two children so close together. I remember a distinct thought crossed my mind that very same night. One that I know now came from the Holy Spirit. I had the thought that God gave me another baby so soon because something might happen to “mercy baby” Meredith. I wept as though it was truly going to happen. As I look back to that moment, the horror sets in. I wonder if I subconsciously cherished my time more with Meredith because deep down I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t have her that long. Only God knows…

My son brings me so much joy in the midst of tremendous pain and suffering. I am inspired and motivated by him. He makes me want to stay strong and fight the battles before me. The other night, I was rocking him to sleep chest to chest. There is nothing like holding your child so close you can feel his heartbeat. It is almost like at that very moment, we were one person. That moment took me back to the time I got to hold Meredith for the first time after I had given birth to Tyler. She was getting better as we were in the oncology unit instead of the PICU. There were less tubes and machines attached to her. I no longer had a massive stomach. It was like we were back to normal. Chest to chest, heartbeat to heartbeat, we were one person. I yearn for that opportunity with Meredith. But, I know I have to wait to share that experience with her again till eternity.

Tyler is an example to me of God’s miracle and provision. I used to call Meredith “Miracle Meredith,” because her life was definitely a miracle. However, the last few months I have seen her more as my “Mercy Meredith.” Because of her, I have seen God’s mercy first hand. I have experienced compassion from others that is unfathomable. I have experienced forgiveness and healing from God that once seemed unattainable. Finally, I have gained sympathy and understanding for hurting people.

God has not only shown me the true meaning of mercy and deliverance through Meredith and Tyler, but also through my divorce. I have carried around the “Big D” for almost two years. It has been an albatross around my neck. Being "divorced" can be such an ugly title. It is something that must be noted on certain forms, when you introduce yourself to new people, and that comes up all the time. I used to hate saying it as I spent my whole life claiming it would never happen to me. I would never “give up” on my marriage. I would do whatever it took to fix it. I fight till the very end for what I believe in. That is me. I am a fixer and a fighter. When it came time to face that there was no fixing my marriage, the shame set in. I was constantly battling the thoughts of not really fitting in…I felt similar to Hester Prynne, the wearer of the scarlet letter, only my patch of fabric was in the shape of a D instead of an A. Up until this month I have struggled with my current label. My belief and perspective changes when a dear friend of mine said, said, “Beth, I see that D as representing DELIVERANCE, not divorce.” Amen, sister!

Once again, God has shown me mercy through so many of you. Healing is taking place and it is because of you and most of all Jesus Christ.

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me. Psalm 118:13 NIV

FREE Outdoor Concert for the Whole Family!

2009-11-08T16:32:00.000-08:00

Who: Christa Wells

When: Saturday, December 5 at 3:00pm.

"FREE Food, Wine Tasting, and Music at one of the best local gift & art shops!

What: Concert Start Time: Saturday, December 5 at 3:00pm
End Time: Saturday, December 5 at 5:00pm

Where: When Pigz Fly

To see more details and RSVP, follow the link below:http://www.facebook.com/n/?event.php&eid=167805268356&mid=156dc8bG52365bbfGf8fa45G7

Goodness

2009-10-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

Thou knows’t not what is good for thee,
But God doth know---
Let Him thy strong reliance be,
And rest thee so. ---C.F. Gellert

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the events that have taken place in my life. Sometimes a gain more perspective and peace while other times I cry in despair and just want to throw in the towel. There is so much pain to sift through. It comes from many different events, some lingering questions that do not have answers and from good and bad memories. Lately, I have wondered about this promise from the Lord…
Genesis 32:12 I will surely do thee good.
I go round and round with this verse as well as others that speak of God’s good and perfect plan for our lives. In the midst of so much personal tragedy, how can there be good? I believe the worst thing that could happen to someone is to watch their child die, add on a divorce and you’ve got a full fledged nightmare. No need to rent a horror flick, just watch my life in action. I’m certainly getting better at handling disappointment and surviving tough circumstances. It does get easier when that it what you deal with day after day. My attitude can get pretty bleak. I don’t like it and am usually corrected by my loved ones and God immediately. Without them and HIM I would be in a pit of despair and self-pity every minute of the day.
One of the reoccurring thoughts I have is…if Meredith had lived and she was disabled I would have taken care of her and done a great job. I have wondered why God didn’t just let her live…Did He think I couldn’t handle it? I know it would have been hard, but I am a “fixer” and I would have done whatever I could to give my little girl a good life. There is nothing I would not have done. I realized that this is such a selfish way to think. It was not what was best for Meredith to live…otherwise God would have kept her here.
My devotion reminded me that “we need to be careful of thinking that what we have assigned to us is not the right thing for us.”(Elizabeth Charles). I’m not saying that I think questioning is bad, it actually has grown my faith tremendously. However, there is point where I have had to accept that this was my fate and that good will come of all of this trauma and heartache.
God gave me a second chance when he gave me Meredith. He allowed me to see His goodness and experience a love that goes beyond words. I’ve learned that life is too precious to waste time trying to be omniscient---after all, only God is…

Running

2009-10-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)

Today I was stopped dead in my tracks. You see, I am on this marathon and right now I am running as fast as I can. I am running from a broken heart, from my enemies, and most of all from debilitating grief. If I could just break the chains and be free… But, they are always there for me waiting like wolves ready to devour me.

I have been running past pictures of my daughter lately. They are displayed all around my house, but I have been avoiding them. Then, at church I spotted a baby girl that looked just like Meredith. She had such a petite head, shaped like a perfect egg. She was pale with just a smidgen of blond hair. She was in pink and was sucking passionately on a pacifier (pink, of course). I couldn’t stop looking at her. My emotions went from shock to despair. “Why would God allow me to see this child? Does He not know how much I yearn to see her again? Why can I not be spared these experiences?”

But, God knew I needed to weep. I feel like this is all I do. However, I spend a lot of time fighting it. The tears are good though. They remind me how much I love my daughter. Running from my tears only hinders my healing.

When I remember the times I had with my little girl, they seem like a dream. Sometimes the memories seem like they were part of a different life for me. I was a different person then. I looked at life from a somewhat innocent point of view. Now, I have walked a path of great pain and my innocence has been shattered. Now, I know what it is like to suffer, to be treated unfairly, to be hated. Then, I just lived in my little pretend bubble. The harshness of the world didn’t get to me. I chose to avoid it. Today, I yearn for Eternity. I cannot wait to see Jesus and in his arms, my babe.

Until then, I know I have to continue running with perseverance and hope.

Held

2009-10-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

Take delight in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Psalm 37:4-6 (TNIV)

The last few days have been so hard for me. I have this pain in my back that feels like someone is stabbing me. It will not go away and it is wearing on me emotionally. I have a whole new appreciation for those who deal with chronic physical pain. On top of my back issue, I have this whole other pain called, grief. Right now they are both competing for my attention. Maybe they are related.
Yesterday, I was so sad. The tears poured down like rain. I really struggle with trying to act “normal.” Everyday tasks take so much energy for me. Nothing seems easy nor does it run smoothly. Being normal is too much work.
I was given this passage in Psalm 37 last night. Honestly, part of it makes me mad. Verse 4 makes it sound like there is this simple formula we are to follow. If we delight in the Lord, all our prayers will be answered. But, what if you know that you delighted, and the desires of your heart were not given to you? It’s all confusing and mysterious.
As I was contemplating this verse yesterday, I heard one of my favorite songs written by Christa Wells and performed by Natalie Grant, HELD…

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?It's unfair.
[Chorus:]This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

When things seem unclear to me and I wonder “Why?” God always reminds me that He is here holding me. He is the one who carries me through each day. Without Him, I have nothing and am nothing. All I have to do is remain faithful and trust in Him. In verse 5, I love how he says, “…trust in Him, and He will act (NIV).” Trusting God is a daily battle when you have seen the tragedies I have. It isn’t easy to trust when things remain hard and suffering is the norm. But, I know that one day there will be a righteous reward and vindication, God's Word has assured me of that.

Squeezing Grapes Into Wine

2009-10-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

Since going back to work, my writing has decreased drastically. When I write, I am usually exploring my feelings and relaxing. There has been no time for that.
Work is going great. I love my students and my coworkers. I am enjoying teaching as I always have. Tyler is having a great time at his preschool. He is always smiling and dancing with joy when I return to get him. I miss him but know he is in the most precious hands, hands that God presented to me when going back to work was a necessity. I could not have asked for a better situation. We are blessed.
A very exciting thing has happened since I returned to work. My son, “Tank Tyler” has started to cuddle with me. When he was very young, he liked to be held close, but quickly he became “Mr. Independent.” This was okay, as he is a boy and he likes to climb on top of things not sit with his mother. But, lately he has wanted to bury his head in my neck and just cuddle. I cannot explain what a gift this has been for me. As I mentioned before, Meredith loved to be held. We cuddled all the time. There were so many times that we napped on the couch together, that I just held her on my lap and rocked her at night. She was like an accessory to me. The other night, when I was holding my son before bed, it felt euphoric. He is so warm and squishy. I could almost feel our hearts beating as one. I enjoyed this moment so much. It reminded me of being at Duke after giving birth to Tyler. I was thrilled to be able to really hold Meredith again. When she first got sick, I was so uncomfortable and holding her with all the tubes and machines was much too hard. I was afraid I would disconnect something; I was petrified I would hurt her in some way. I just couldn’t do it. But, after Tyler’s birth, I was elated to hold my baby girl once again. I held her so tight and it felt right. At that moment, the beeping machines and tubes did not matter. We were back together snuggling close just as we always had. This memory takes my breath away. So quickly things can change…
My devotion yesterday from “My Utmost for His Highest” was very thought provoking. The verse was Colossians 1:24 (NIV) and Paul was talking about his work for the church.

Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church.

Oswald Chambers clarifies this verse by saying, “God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with…We must never choose the scene of our own martyrdom. If ever we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes. Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed.” How true this is…my set of circumstances have nearly crushed me. Often times I thought they were going to crush me to the point of death. However, before January of 2008, I was simply a juicy grape. God spent years filling me with his words, promises and comfort. Now he is squeezing them out of me. The afflictions have been painful but the final product will be poured-out wine.

Recreation

2009-09-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Genesis 50:20 (New International Version)
My quest for answers has sent me down many different paths lately. I have to say I am putting in some hard sweat and tears on my journey to healing. I have made unbelievable gains and had disappointing setbacks, but I am grateful for where I have been and where I am going. A year and a half ago, I could hardly get out of bed. Everything was a blur and my pain was chronic. As I was driving past this little church on Durant Rd tonight, I was reminded of how I had to pull over into its’ gravel parking lot not too long ago. I was in so much pain, the tears were uncontrollable and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through that day. To say that I felt damaged, discarded and depressed back then is an understatement. Over the past 20 months, I have become close companions with these three “D’s.” Today they come and go with my circumstances as well as my emotions but back then they were constant.
One of the themes of my life lately has been this idea of being “damaged goods.” I jokingly say to all those special friends and family members who want to introduce me to someone, “Okay, how are you going to present me to your friend?” I mean the facts of my life are quite intimidating. I am not just a single mom…I am a mom to a dead child, a recently divorced woman and a mom to a beautiful baby boy. Yes, I will heal from my divorce. I will heal from the financial crisis’ I have endured and the hurtful words others have shouted at me, but I will never heal from losing my precious daughter. Living without her will always hurt. I know it will hurt less over time; nonetheless, it will still hurt. My happiest moments will always be coupled with the pain of an indescribable loss. It is hard to look forward with this knowledge. My pain and life journey is quite complex.

He heals the brokenhearted

and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3 (New International Version)
I know I am damaged but by God’s grace, I have not been destroyed. Through God’s faithfulness, love and comfort I am a recreation of who I was. God has made me wiser, stronger, more empathetic and less judgmental. I am certain that the evil things I have encountered will be used for good just as they were for Joseph. I have already witnessed this and am grateful that there is true redemption in Christ. As I continue on my road to recovery, I am encouraged. I am diligently working through my disappointment and frustration. God is good even in the midst of so much pain.

Heart Monitor Line

2009-09-20T11:07:00.001-07:00

I just started doing this study on mending my soul and one of my first assignments was to draw a picture of how I feel and where I am. My mind immediately went to a heart monitor line. This might seem odd but I feel that it accurately depicts my present state. As I began visualizing what my line would look like, it became clear to me that if I was connected to a heart monitor right now they would never release me from the hospital. At the start of my day, my line has the normal blips that anyone would have. But, those blips go way up and way down a million times on just an average day.

I just started back to work this week and it has been a huge adjustment for Tyler and for me. I really dreaded working as I could spend all my time with Tyler and be content, but God called me, opened the door to my old job, gave me the money that I need to live and basically set the whole thing in motion. I didn’t have to do anything but show up. You know it is a “GOD thing” when everything works out perfectly and you haven’t led the charge or had your grubby little hands in the process. It feels good to be doing exactly what He wants me to be doing.

However, as my schedule has become somewhat regimented, I have been able to stuff aside the feelings that used to come sporadically throughout my day. Now they wait for me. When I have fulfilled all my duties as worker and mom, they flood my mind. As I was walking up my stairs the other night, I glanced at my digital picture frame and there she was… the little one who is missing from my life, Miss Meredith. When the reality sets in that she is gone, I usually feel like I am going to have a heart attack. Then, I feel nauseas and I know I could quite possibly throw up. I feel debilitated and weak. I hate these feelings. But what I really hate is that the pictures I see are all I have left of her. I cannot pick those pictures up and feel her, I can never smell her again, and never hear those sweet giggles again. It is so hard. Sometimes I feel that I will not be able to live through this pain as it is so intense and frightening. I want to fall over and cry for hours (sometimes I do) but most of the time, I shed some tears and push on. I cannot allow this pain to overpower me—I have to hold on.

Usually in my heart monitor line, I go from this extreme to the other. It takes some time to recover from the pain, but soon my blips return to normal as I remember all that God has given me. He is such a precious Savior as he reminds me constantly that my daughter was a missionary and her life has changed many others for the better. He reminds me of these things at church on Sunday, through my studies and through you. I feel so blessed to know each of you. God has listened to your prayers and used your words of encouragement to push me forward. The other day I was at the park with Tyler and a woman came up to me. She said, “Are you Beth? You don’t know me, but I have been reading your blog since Meredith got sick and I want you to know how much it has meant to me.” I felt humbled and somewhat embarrassed as I looked like I had been beat with a soot bag but mostly, I was honored that my words had helped someone and that Mer’s life made an impact on her and her family. I want to thank all of you as your words brighten my day, bring me to tears and remind me that there is good here on this Earth. I am grateful for all of you!

Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,

his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls

and has no one to help him up!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV)

Exile

2009-09-14T17:54:00.000-07:00

Things have been so much better since I last wrote. I have to admit, I was in the worst mood for most of August. I could not get out of the pit I had allowed myself to fall into. Everything and everybody got on my nerves. I felt like I was holding on by the tips if my fingers. I kept praying for a change of attitude but it was definitely not going to happen. I’m feeling more optimistic these days and it is a much better place.

I’ve been pondering the word “exile” so I looked it up. According the Dictionary.com, exile is defined as a “prolonged separation from one's country or home, as by force of circumstances”. When the “Perfect Storm” hit my life in January 2008, I never imagined I would end up here. Exile is not all bad, much good can actually come from it. It is believed that the Apostle John actually wrote the book of Revelation while in exile. So, I know that God has used this time of exile to heal me, encourage me and catapulte me into a life that will far surpass the life I was forced to leave.

I have been encouraged greatly by those around me. This support prompted me to go back and reread a Bible Study I participated in right after Meredith died. It is “Discerning the Voice of God” by Priscilla Shirer. She gives guidelines to help us be sure we are hearing our Spirit-led conscience accurately…
1. Look for the message of the Spirit
2. Live in the mode of prayer
3. Search out the model of scripture
4. Submit to the ministry of Eli (seek the counsel of the wise)
5. Expect the mercy of confirmation

I just love knowing that when I am seeking to hear God, he is ready to speak to me. I had the opportunity to experience these guidelines this past week. I stopped by to get something from a dear friend last Friday and what was supposed to be a brief and business-like encounter, God used to speak to me. I had been struggling with the some challenging but necessary life changes. In our 30 minute conversation, I left with confirmation from the Lord. It wasn’t as if she had actually told me what I should or should not do, she just said what God put on her heart to share. She was my “Eli.” You know it is God when a simple conversation turns into "the mercy of confirmation".

I cannot think of a time I heard God before my exile. I know he was present, I know he was eager to speak to me and I know I wanted to hear. But, it wasn't until my exile that I was changed for the better. Losing so much has made me love more deeply and search God more diligently. May God use my suffering for his glory, Amen!

Beth

The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven

2009-09-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

“At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" He called a little child and had him stand among them.” (Matthew 18:1-2, NIV).

I’ve learned a lot about my faith, my purpose and my heart through my children. In a way, they each gave me a new life. Before children, I lived selfishly for the most part and I focused on what the world sat before me. It was a good life but it paled in comparison to what God has shown me through my babies. The feelings I have for Meredith and Tyler are indescribable. It warms my heart to read these verses in Matthew 18. It reminds me that God’s decision to take Meredith to Heaven was out of his great love for her. This knowledge gives me peace although it does not dry up my tears.

Last night, I was telling a friend a funny story about Meredith. My little girl always wanted to be held. She was happiest in the arms of someone she loved. I spent a lot of time holding her throughout the day, but it was part of my job description to lay down with her at naptime so she could get to sleep. She would NEVER go to sleep in her crib during the day. Cat and I spent hours on the phone discussing this very issue. How was I ever supposed to get anything done if I had to hold her for her to sleep? Our decision was to try the papoose swing. It is great for newborn babies and had worked for children with this anti-nap attitude. So, I bought one of these monstrous swings and gave it a try. It worked! I committed to getting it bronzed for the gift it had given me. Meredith actually agreed to sleep in that swing and so the problem was solved.

Unfortunately, they do not make this kind of swing for older children (actually, it would be nice if they made one for adults too!). So, as the months went on, I noticed some issues with my heavenly swing. Meredith was growing out of it. I shook off the feeling as this apparatus gave me the freedom to check email, clean, iron, etc… I needed this swing. But, it was inevitable; the swing was growing weary of my 19lb daughter. One afternoon, while Meredith was in her swing for naptime, I peeked in and knew I could not lie in denial any more. She was strapped in, but she was practically sitting straight up with her legs extended far beyond the cushion, and she was smiling. She looked like a big kid in a baby’s seat. I knew at that moment, my free time was over. Thus, we went back to our previous routine, we slept on the couch together. I have to admit, this wasn’t so bad for me. After all, I was pregnant with Tyler and I was tired. I really didn’t need to be doing all of that house stuff anyway…it’s so meaningless:)

I hold this memory tightly for many reasons. First of all, it makes me smile. Secondly, it makes me grateful that Meredith wanted me to hold her and I took the time to do it. Lastly, it reminds me of the impact she made in my life. She taught me to slow down and enjoy the tender moments. She taught me about relationship and responsibility. She taught me to love abundantly and to feel joy. She also taught me about unconditional love.
Yes, I have learned a lot from being a mother to Meredith and Tyler. I believe Christ used Meredith to teach me the things that are written all over his Word and he continues to use Tyler to show me hope and joy. I am thankful that Christ pulled a child forward to express His idea of greatness.

A Prayer By Beth Moore...

2009-09-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

My child, Beth, I loved you before you were born. I knew what your first and last words would be. I knew every difficulty you would face. I suffered each one with you. Even the ones you didn't suffer with Me. I had a plan for your life before you were born. The plan has not changed, Beth, no matter what has happened or what you have done. You see, I already knew all things concerning you before I formed you. I would never allow any hurt to come into your life that I could not use for eternity, Beth. Will you let Me? Your truth is incomplete unless you view it against the backdrop of my Truth. Your story will forever remain half-finished...until you let Me do My half with your hurt. Let Me perfect that which concerns you.

I remain,

Your Faithful Father

An excerpt by Beth Moore out of "Breaking Free"

Isaiah 61:1

2009-09-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted. (Isa. 61:1)

Currently, I am doing a study by Beth Moore called “Breaking Free.” Good gracious, it is a real soul wrenching journey through the past present and future. It has spoken to me on so many different levels and even though I would love to be doing some cushy study, I know this is what God wants me to be doing right now. Last night, I read the chapter based around this Isaiah verse. I felt as though the chapter and verse were written just for me. There is a portion where Beth Moore defines the word “broken” in Hebrew. It is Shavar meaning, “to burst, break into pieces, wreck, crush, smash; to rend, tear in pieces.” As much as I try to avoid focusing on the realities on my world, it remains that this is the condition of my heart. This one word encompasses everything I feel inside the walls of my skin. It is tempting to hide from these emotions and to pretend that I don’t really feel this way. It would be so much easier to just leave behind the experiences I have had and not search for answers…purpose…peace. I want to run as fast as I can and hope these feelings never catch me. Instead, I have chosen to face these feelings, to allow God to put the pieces of my heart back together and to close up all the wounds. Yes, running would be so much easier, but I’ve never run from anything and I won’t start now.

This verse has a twofold meaning for me. According to Isa 61:1, “one of God’s greatest priorities is binding up the broken hearted” (Moore 2000). This is comforting to someone like me and probably to you as well. I have a feeling a lot of you have felt wrecked, crushed and smashed like me. This world is a rough one to live in. There have been times like Job that I have asked God why he brought me into this world if he knew I would suffer like this. I mean, I would have rather never existed then to have experienced the loss of a child and a spiteful divorce. But, the deed was done and I was born and I am happy to say I have experienced joy and satisfaction in this life of mine. Right now though, it is hard to recall them when the pain is so prevalent.

In this verse, Isaiah is referring to Christ of course when he says “me.” However, when I first glanced at it, I saw it as another confirmation of what God is asking me to do with my past and present. Since God created man in his own image (Genesis 1:27, NIV) then I should be striving to bind up the broken hearted too. I truly desire to be there for others who are brokenhearted. As I said in my last post, God is revealing how, when and where I fit into this world and I am encouraged and driven to go through the doors he is opening for me.

I REALLY benefit from the comments you all have been sending me. Tears flood my eyes when strangers as well as friends love on me. I know I would have caved if not for all the words I received on the Carepages website as well as this current site. I want to thank you for motivating me to take some real leaps of faith this year.

Have a great Labor Day weekend,

Beth

God's Timing is Impeccable

2009-08-31T12:26:00.000-07:00

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7, NIV)

I am in awe over God’s timing. I am thankful I have waited on him for the last year and a half. In the past, I have often guided the hands of the Lord. I definitely tried to be patient while looking for the right spouse, the right job, etc… but I have never waited on the Lord with such anticipation and obedience as I have since I lost nearly everything of value in my life. When everything is stripped from you, (whether it is a loved one, a house and its contents or your sense of security)you either freak out and run around trying to rebuild the mess you have been left with yourself, or you WAIT for God to rebuild. I’m almost embarrassed to say that it took losing it all for me to give complete control over to God. I pray that people never experience this kind of suffering, but I will say giving everything to the Lord has given me back the security I yearned for all these years.

I often think of the timing of my son’s birth as one of the most amazing episodes in my life. Here I was, pregnant, separated from my husband and watching my daughter suffer from cancer. In my opinion, this was not the time to have a baby. But, God had his own ideas on when and why Tyler was to be born. As I reflect on his perfect timing, I am grateful God is in control and not me.

On Feb 15, 2008, My Mom, grandmother, and I were in the hotel (across from Duke) sleeping. My Aunt Joyce Lynne arrived around 1:30 am from Roanoke. My alarm went off to get me to take my Nifedipine (a medicine to stop contractions). I went to the restroom, sat back down on the bed and felt a gush of water. I yelled, "Oh my gosh! My water just broke." Joyce Lynne jumped up and said, "Okay, let's go have a baby." She went and got the car and we all piled in. Meredith was scheduled for surgery at 8:00am to get a shunt and a port for chemotherapy. This was not a good time for a birth we agreed.

We all chuckled as we drove 45 minutes from Duke Hospital in Durham to Wake Medical in Raleigh. I think we were just laughing at the outlandish circumstances. Plus, we were right across from a hospital but I had to go to Wake Medical. One thing was for sure, I had to have a VBAC. There was no time to recover from another C-Section. As we drove to Raleigh my contractions were about 10 minutes apart. Mom was eating organic Oreos from Whole Foods in the backseat while I was starving. I knew I was not going to get anything to eat for a long time, so I was convincing Joyce Lynne to go to Bojangles to get me a biscuit. Mom kept saying, "You cannot eat before labor!" So, we bypassed the food idea and went straight to the hospital. Mom and I got to the Triage room; they checked me and said I was 6 cm at 2:45. At that point my contractions were picking up and my OB and the L & D nurse arrived to ask if I wanted an Epidural. I was undecided because the pains were not that bad right then, so I looked at Mom and she said, "You are doing fine." The nurse agreed that she didn't think it was going to be long before I had Tyler, and she concurred that I was doing great without drugs. I was like, "what the heck, let's do it." So we were off to the delivery room where Mama 2 and Joyce Lynne were waiting for us.
I was in some pain, but it wasn't unbearable. That didn't last long because I quickly got to 8cm and then it all went south. My contractions were coming every three minutes. Mom was right by my side trying to get me to breathe but I just couldn't get it together. As I transitioned, I started to scream and mom said, "Why are you screaming? Does it hurt? It's not supposed to hurt; it is supposed to feel good to push." I nearly killed her.
I could see Joyce Lynne in the background cheering and Mama 2 praying (eyes tightly closed) in the chair. I pushed 5 times and Tyler arrived into this world! He weighed 6.5 and was 19 inches. He was adorable but he looked like he had red skin…probably all those drugs I was taking to resist having panic attacks.

The next day was Meredith's first birthday, so after the birth and some rest time, I was off to Duke to see my baby girl. Mike and Kim (my sister and brother-in-law) came to Wake Medical to be with Tyler. Kim laid in the bed and held Tyler while I was gone. She loved having a new baby without giving birth. And, so that was the beginning of my little boy’s life. He was flexible and eager to see the world from the very start.

I could never figure out exactly why God felt it necessary to bring Tyler in the world at that moment. There was so much going on. My daughter was getting prepared for surgery and her present condition was poor. Yet, God knew exactly what would be happening in her life, and that it was time for him to bring me some joy in the midst of so much pain and stress. That has been what Tyler has been to me. I feel true joy and deep gratefulness when I look at him. He has taught me to trust, to love and to hope again. What a gift God gave me at the perfect time and in the most perfect way.

When Peace Like A River...

2009-08-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve always enjoyed celebrating birthdays. I look forward to my own, not because of the presents, but because of friends and family coming together. This year, my excitement was subdued. When a special event approaches, my mind seesaws between joy and sorrow. I did not enjoy turning 33 this year. Primarily because it marked my second birthday without my daughter. I have had two birthdays without her. It just seems unreal and shocking. How I have lived this long with Meredith gone I will never now. Some days the memories take my breath away. Other days they keep me on the floor face down begging God for the drive to move forward.

When Meredith was alive, she always looked so spiffy. If she was wearing a pink outfit, she also had a matching hat, socks and pacifier. I loved dressing her up and she didn’t seem to mind. I really saw her as the perfect child (except for the whole napping issue). She made me the happiest I have ever been. Every night I would check on her before bed to make sure she was resting comfortably. I absolutely loved watching her sleep. How I miss seeing her in that crib surrounded by pink and green accents. She was so pretty inside and out.
Last night I dreamed about Meredith. It is not often that I see her in my dreams, but it always leaves me emotionally distressed when I do. She was alive in my dream but she had some developmental issues due to the cancer. Physically, she looked perfect. But, inside she was full of cancer. Her Pediatrician kept assuring me that the delays were fine, but I couldn’t excuse the results and continued grieving over my child not being perfect. I just kept crying- nothing could make me feel better.

When my heart is aching as it is today, I always search for scripture to comfort me. I typed the word “perfect” into http://www.biblegateway.com/ and this is the verse that struck me: “As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless” 2 Samuel 22:31 (NIV). This verse reminded me that none of us are perfect, but God is. I keep trying to handle my lot perfectly. I work hard to say all the right things, to act normal and to look put together. I’ve been doing it for years. But, I am not perfect and inside I am a mess. I wish I could handle my pain perfectly. I desire to stand before you and believe it when I sing, “When sorrows like sea billows roll ... It is well with my soul” as Horatio G. Spafford did, but I can’t.

As I analyze my dream as well as the 2 Samuel verse, I wonder what God is telling me. I’d love to hear your wisdom/thoughts as I am stuck this time…

Beth

You Never Let Go

2009-08-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

“Oh no, You never let go/Through the calm and through the storm/Oh no, You never let go/In every high and every low/Oh no, You never let go/Lord, You never let go of me”

I was reminded once again by Matt Redman’s song You Never Let Go that God never leaves my side and he never gives up on me even when I want to give up on myself. I have to say my life has been calm lately. I have been a bit under the weather and I have used it as an excuse to be slack with my time with the Lord. But, God never lets go of me even when I am distant, for that I am grateful.
I also got some disappointing news a few days ago and God immediately called me to recall Romans 5:3-5 (NIV) “Rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” I spent two days reciting that verse and darn it, I still felt disappointed. I even held in the tears trying to avoid the disappointment I clearly felt. But, they came (as usual) when I was sharing my news with my Aunt JL. I felt like a failure. God gave me Romans 5:3-5 to memorize. I know it well and struggle with dissecting it and analyzing it daily. Here I had the chance to actually recite it and it change my normal response and I fell flat on my face, AGAIN!
Every time I feel I am strong enough to handle the “bad news” I get (on what seems like a daily basis), I have hope I will respond in a mature and profound way. I have to admit, I have made progress, but it is still one of my weaknesses.
I am so glad God never abandons me (Psalm 23:4) and always comforts me. I am thankful his mercies are new every morning.

Shattered Pieces of Glass

2009-08-16T15:05:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation with two of my sweet prayer group partners yesterday and we were commenting on how we are all in a time of “waiting.” We were laughing about the fact that so many hours and days are spent waiting for God to tell us what to do next and most of the time the answer seems to be “No.”

This can be so frustrating! I know when I am waiting my mind automatically goes to…if I spent all this time waiting on the Lord and seeking him, then surely I deserve a “YES,” but as we all know, God’s “yes’s” seem few and far between in our minds. When you do get a confirmed and confident yes from the Lord, there is so much joy, thankfulness and humility in receiving it.

Today, I received a YES from the Lord that brought me to tears. I am so humbled by what God wants me to do. I would never have chosen to suffer so, but he continues to tell me that what matters is my response to my suffering. Ever since Meredith got sick, my marriage fell apart and Tyler was placed in my arms, I have wondered what I was supposed to do with my life.

One thing God told me to do is this blog, so I am stepping out in faith and I am doing it. I knew immediately my blog would be entitled, “Fourteen Meercies” because fourteen is the number God whispered in my ear on April 12, 2008 to gently inform me that my daughter’s suffering would truly come to an end on the fourteenth. This day of each month not only haunts me as it is the day my daughter was taken from my arms, but it is also a number that reminds me that God speaks to me.

“Meercies” came from Meredith’s initials as well as from all the mercies God showered me with during Meredith’s life, sickness and death. I have been contemplating this title and the meaning of this blog for a few weeks and have asked myself, “What does this title mean when it is put together? How does one take the two pieces and mold them into one big idea?”

As I sat in church God began shifting all of the shattered pieces of glass that make up my life back into some order. I could visualize him moving each piece into place. He was not restoring the pieces back like they were he was creating a new masterpiece right before my eyes. While my pastor was speaking on Lamentations 3:22-24 (verses that Cat had sent me days ago to add to my blog), God was busy developing ideas for my blog. And through that message he gave me a vision and a purpose.

My heart was racing as God clarified his vision for my ministry and it nearly exploded when I heard that our church was going to be addressing a controversial topic within our community. He referred to the very ministry that aided in my freedom from the life of captivity I was leading. I was shocked in shock as God revealed the next step I am to take. I did not lose my child, get divorced and become a single mother to a little boy, to sit on the sidelines while people are hurting. I was made to educate, assist and help free women like me from captivity. And so I am excited to say that I will be going where God needs me and I will follow his calling no matter the cost. So, I am thrilled, scared and certain that I am on the right path and that finally I have heard a “yes” from the Lord on this day.

I look forward to sharing with you what God is doing in more detail as it all comes together!

Lamentations 3:22-24 (NKJV)
Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
“ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “ Therefore I hope in Him!”

Waiting

2009-08-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway. Proverbs 8:34

Gosh, I wish I looked like this while waiting but clearly I do not. I feel like an expert on waiting as my life seems to be defined by it. I have learned that waiting on the Lord in not only better but is also necessary. I have growm accustomed to waiting before I respond to an e-mail, respond over the phone and when I want to purchase something unnecessary. I was reminded ever so genlty this week how God works miraculously when we wait on him.

I have been in a debackle with a person who was working on a project with me. As I have learned the hard way, just because people charge a lot for their services, doesn't mean you get high quality results. What an unfortunate realization. Everyone thinks paying full price means you get the best work- yep, not in my case. The best results I have received are the ones I got for free. Anyway, I have been avoiding this particular meeting for a few weeks b/c I have anticipated having to go in and fight for what was right. Frankly, I am so tired of fighting for what is right. It is exhausting especially when you have been fighting cancer, an ex-spouse and depression. But, I knew I had to deal with this situation, as it was not going to go away. I was eager to check this one off my list, so I called to talk. To my amazement and surprise, me waiting was the very best thing I could have done. I ended up not having to fight for what was right, as a matter of fact, the person admitted responsibility and did what was right.

As much as it hurts to wait on the Lord, it is not only necessary but the results are worth it.

Shadows

2009-08-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

I try never to cry in front of Tyler. Today this goal was unreachable. We were walking outside to check the mail and stroll by the creek before bath time and I noticed our shadows. It was so cute. Tyler is walking so well now and seeing his little shadow made me smile. It also reminded me that Meredith was missing. It reminded me that she never got the chance to walk on this Earth. I will never see the three shadows that should be there. Then, there is always the tub experience. Tyler plays so wonderfully and loves to get a bath. But, once again, it looks bare as I see only him and not my precious punkin’ in there with him.

I could feel the tears coming. It doesn’t take long. Grief erupts from my soul. My stomach aches with nausea and the groans that follow are painful. I know this grief has to come, as it waits for me until I succumb to it. One day it won’t be so debilitating, but for now it rocks me to the core.

My little Pookie looked at me completely perplexed. Then, his tears came. He cried just like me. He in the tub... me sitting on the edge. We both wept. I kept trying to reassure him that I was okay. I explained to him that I am not hurt on the outside; I just hurt on the inside. He wanted me to hold him and make him feel safe. As I took him in my arms and wrapped him with a fuzzy towel, I was reminded that I feel this way too. And when I ask to be held, I am softly taken into the Father’s arms.

This is what it means to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held.

Held by Natalie Grant, written by Christa Wells (a dear friend of mine)

Peace

2009-08-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

August 8, 2009
I have learned a lot about life in a short amount of time. I am thankful for most of those lessons. As I sit in my house tonight, I am at peace. I had a great time with my son, with my best friend and with the DVR (I love that thing). Last year at this time, I was so depressed I thought I might not survive. It had only been 4 months since Meredith died, I was in the midst of a custody battle with my ex, I had a 5 month old son and was living with my sister. Whew, times were tough---everything was a battle. I had to fight for my life and for my son’s life. So, today reminded me of how far I have come and how peace finds you when you are looking for it.
One of the things I have learned through losing my daughter has been to cherish your children. I so enjoyed being with Tyler today. We went to the park, rested, ate and played. We danced to Barney and Friends and I tickled him with my feet. His laughter made my heart rejoice. He was a gift from the Lord and I will forever be grateful… I wrote this in my journal a year ago and it remains so true…“I know God gave me Tyler so I could live. If he wasn’t here, I would have given up. I am not kidding, I love my family and friends but my love for Tyler exceeds all. I love my children with a deep and passionate love. It is indescribable but extremely real.”
I can’t think of anything better than just being with your child. That is why I have often wondered why Meredith was taken from me. I mean, I love being with my kids. I know it is exhausting, frustrating, and at times infuriating. There are even sometimes you think you are going to go mad. But, days like today remind me how precious life can be when you spend quality time with the ones that really love you.
There isn’t a day that I don’t miss my daughter. Having Tyler does not fill the void that she has left in my heart. Yes, he is a great comfort, but there will always be a part of me that is missing. In the midst of my grief, I will persevere, as I have another child who needs me to be a good mom. And I know that “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

Blog Anxiety

2009-08-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am attempting the whole blog thing. I went to a class on "Taking the Blah out of your blog" this weekend and essentially learned I know nothing about the blog world. I cannot keep up with the technology explosion that occurs every week it seems. I've got to stay focused though. This is one of my goals for the next 8 weeks, to create a really interesting and thought provoking blog.

Today was exhausting. My back hurts, heart feels weighted and my mind is all over the place. I'm in that comfortable stage of grief right now- it's called denial and numbness. I look at all the pictures I have around my house of Meredith and I am sad, but I quickly move to the next thing. This usually means that in a few days I will be in complete despair over the loss of my daughter. I want to hold it off, somehow avoid it for just one month of my life. But, I know it is on the horizon whether I like it or not.

I've gone back to teaching part-time and have enjoyed the challenges of my work and the camaraderie of my coworkers. However, it can be hard to act normal all day when what I really want to say is, I am the grieving mother of a baby who was taken from me by cancer. The thing is my coworkers already know this. They walked through much of my journey with me. Some even took days off of work to stay with Tyler for me at the Ronald McDonald House when Mer was at Duke. They don't need me to remind them of my pain. I know they know. They are good to me and I am thankful.

God has given me a lot to think about the last few weeks. Most of all, he continually brings John 11 to my attention. Frankly, I feel like I have heard the story of Lazarus so many times I could repeat it's details to you verbatim. How foolish I was to think that I knew the story of Lazarus and didn't need to hear it another time. When I read the verses again, I felt like Mary. In verse 32 she says the words I sometimes utter in my deepest times of despair, "Lord, if you had been here, my (daughter) would not have died" (my version). The truth is, God was there with me that day Meredith died. He was with me before that moment and since. It is sometimes baffling for me to understand that indeed God was present and he indeed allowed my baby girl to be taken from my arms. But, his reasoning is far beyond my capacity to understand.

I find comfort in verse 4 when Jesus says, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." I can stand before you right now and say that my child didn't die for trivial reasons. Her death has affected all those who fell in love with her during and after her lifetime. Many of you gathered around me since January 17, 2008 and have not only watched God work but have grown to love him more. I know Meredith's life did not end in death. Yes, her physical presence is no longer with us, but as John 11:4 says, her life was created by God and was used so that Jesus may be glorified.

Disappointed

2009-07-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have been running around like a busy bee for the last month. I have so many projects going on that only I could dream up. No one does the things I do. I am addicted to organizing and simplifying. The other night, I spent hours transferring all of my college photos from their present albums into a more aesthetically pleasing album. Don’t ask why I decided to do that. I don’t have a good answer.
I know I have been staying busy to avoid my feelings of disappointment. If I can keep my mind and hands busy, I can look at pictures of Meredith, cry a few tears and get back to the tasks I have before me. If I keep running from God, I can pretend to not be disappointed in him. If only I could keep up this pace each and every moment. But, I cannot. Yesterday was one of those days where God simply gave me very little drive to work on my projects. I tried to stay numb by watching one of my favorite shows, but my mind and heart was focused one thing, being disappointed.
I’m disappointed in so many things. I absolutely hate the fact that my daughter was taken from me by cancer. Some days I wake up and still cannot believe it is true! It is unbearable to face the fact that God didn’t give me the results I begged him for. The sadness I feel over living without my daughter paralizes me some days. The pain seems unbearable at times and I often wonder how I have survived this long with a broken heart.
I am disappointed that I am divorced- that all the hard work, prayer and hope I had could not save my marriage. I am disappointed that my son is going to come from a broken home and will have to divide his time between two families.
I have spent a lot of time begging God to turn my sorrow over these disappointments into perseverance and strength. I want to use my mourning to minister to others. I want others to see that you can be faced with unimaginable tragedies and never give up hope. But, it is a struggle! I just cannot bring myself to rejoice in my suffering as Romans 5:3-5 says, “Rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” This seems unattainable to me right now, but I know that in the end, I will not be disappointed by the things God has walked me through this past year and a half.
As I continue to press God for answers about Meredith's death, he always gives me a verse or comment to provide me with peace. He has been so faithful in so many ways and walks with me through all of my misery. As I was working on my Bible Study, “Walking By Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark” by Jennifer Rothschild, I was struck by a verse in First Corinthians chapter 13 verse 12 (NIV). It reads, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” This verse provided some much needed comfort for me. I know I have heard a million times that I will understand everything when I get to Heaven, but I need to be reminded of this constantly. When I visualize what this verse means, I see myself standing before God and looking into his eyes. Instead of asking him, Why? I just understand. No words are exchanged, no long explanations are needed, I am at peace with knowing fully everything God promised me.
I yearn for the day that I will feel at peace. I cannot wait to meet my Savior and to hold the daughter I have missed so dearly. I pray they will both be proud of me for clinging on to this life that seems incredibly disappointing at times.
Beth

Relationships That Last...

2009-06-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

I returned from a cruise to the Bahamas on Monday to many blessings as well as major drama. We had a great time on our getaway. It was truly a time of rest and relaxation. I had some interesting feelings running through my mind on our trip. Part of me believes it would be easier to just be someone else entirely. If I was only someone else, I could be carefree and have unbridled fun on this trip. I would not gaze at every little girl and imagine Meredith’s face on her. I would not need a trip to recover from a nasty divorce, because I would not be divorced. Sometimes I just want to be someone else. However, if this occurred, my past would be erased. Oh, how I wish I could erase some things and not the others! But, I know that all of my decisions, whether good or bad, defined and refined me. The parts I hate have made me stronger and humbler. The parts I love have given me enough joy to last a lifetime. My life has been rocky and hard, but I must embrace where I am and where God is driving me to go.
Before I left to go on my cruise, I had a malfunctioning stove, a broken microwave and a steady drip in my den ceiling. Do you ever wonder why things seem to come all at once? I must say, a few months ago, I would have completely lost it. I would have gone into an ugly pity party and stayed there for days. “Haven’t I endured enough? Why can’t things be easy or run smoothly? Why? Why? Why?” It turns out, I am going to have to get a new HVAC system because it was draining into my ceiling, I have to work with Whirlpool to buy a new part for my stove, and then pay a fortune to get it replaced, and so on. Plus, my Father had to rip out the ceiling in my den which will cost a ment to repair. All of this drama while I was sailing the seas on an eleven story ship. One of my closest friend’s comment on my life was, “If I wasn’t walking through all of this with you, I would never believe it was all true.” We actually laughed about it all. So, I am impressed that I didn’t fall into that nasty pit again. I was so glad I wasn’t here to deal with all of it. I feel for my parents though. As soon as I arrived home, they were ready to blow this joint. I’m lucky to have such good parents. I am so fortunate and grateful for their love and sacrifice. They have really stepped up and taken care of Tyler and me. Sometimes I feel guilty that my family and friends have had to endure such heart wrenching situations with me over the past year and a half. We have all witnessed great victory and what feels like intense defeat. We have gone to celebratory dinners on some occasions while on others they have held me as I desperately cried in despair. Through it all, they have stuck with me and I am grateful.
One of the greatest joys I have encountered in my life is seeing and feeling true love. Some people live their entire lives searching for it. God has revealed His love for me in so many miraculous ways, but when He tied us all together, whether it was before, during or after Meredith’s life and death, His love became tangible. We weren’t made to be by ourselves, to handle things on our own. We were made for relationships. In true relationships, we can be who we really are. We can be transparent. Thank you Jesus for giving me the joy and security of relationship! The most important being my relationship with HIM! You see, it wasn’t by chance we were all brought together; it was divine intervention and redemption. It all started with Jesus.I am so thankful for all of you. Every time I think of thanking all of you who have prayed, given and supported me in so many different ways, I feel so inadequate. What I do know is each of you has followed Ecclesiastes 4:10-12 and you will be blessed for doing so.10 If one falls down,his friend can help him up.But pity the man who fallsand has no one to help him up!11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.But how can one keep warm alone?12 Though one may be overpowered,two can defend themselves.A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Beth

Answers Slowly but Surely

2009-06-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

“This is my comfort in my affliction, That Your word has revived me” Psalm 119:50 (NA S B.)
I sit before you with a great sense of excitement and thankfulness while at the same time my eyes are filled with tears of grief and sorrow. I feel so blessed to know Christ and that He has taken me under His wings so tenderly over the past year and a half. I have spent immeasurable hours trying to get an answer to a question that I carry with me every day. I pray for His wisdom and an ounce of understanding, a glimpse of knowledge. I know I will not know the complete answer until I walk into eternity, but while I am on this Earth, I need something to say to others and myself when I am asked, “How do you still believe in God and His Word when you begged, believed and hoped He would miraculously save Meredith from cancer but instead He took her?” I really haven’t been able to respond to this question with anything but, “I don’t know; I just do.” But, I knew that answer would not last long and honestly it is a pathetic answer. Thus, my quest has been to develop another one that actually helps me survive and could potentially help another going through a spiritual, physical, emotional crisis.
I am always amazed at how God always answers our prayers and how if we are listening it is crystal clear and undeniably from Him. I asked my Aunt Beverly and my grandmother (Mama 2) this very question last week and I truly believe God spoke through Beverly plainly and concisely when she said, “We love God because of what He did on the cross for us, not because of what He does for us now. We love Him for WHO He IS not what He DOES.” So I pondered this all week and asked for more clarification, as I am thickheaded and overly analytical at times, and sure enough the message at church was all about this very statement. In Mark 2:1-8, it tells the story of Jesus healing a paralytic in Capernaum. When Jesus saw the faith of the men who brought this man before him to be healed, he said, “Son, your sins are forgiven” (2:5b). Then, in verse 11 he healed the man and said, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” The question proposed was, “why would he make this teaching about forgiveness of sins rather than the physical visible miracle He could and would ultimately perform?” I have to admit; I was totally clueless and could not figure it out. But as Dave continued to plow through God’s Word it was obvious that God knows that our deepest need is not physical, but is our need to be forgiven.
I believe His answer to my question regarding Meredith’s life and death is this, more people will know of God and who He is through Meredith’s short life and her death than if He had kept her on this Earth. He also knew I would worship Him more and truly fulfill my purpose on this Earth, if Meredith was taken to Heaven to reside with Him in His presence. Because of what has occurred over the past year and a half, God has set before me an unimaginable path that is revealed to me each day. He wants me to honor Him, the giver of life and honor Meredith, the daughter who taught me what was most important in life.
Beth

Dreaming of Where to Go...

2009-04-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

April 27, 2009I believe I have made it through the “firsts” of my journey without Meredith. I survived Christmas, her birthday, Easter, the day of her death and now my first fundraiser for brain cancer research. Saturday was a strange day for me. I saw Dr. G. for the first time since he showed me Mer’s last MRI the day she died. I saw survivors walking around the grounds with family members praising God for their progress, and I wept at the “Wall of Honor” as I read stories of people who had fought a good fight, but ultimately lost the battle. I was pleased with our t-shirts for Meredith as they truly encompassed the feelings I have in so many ways. Romans 8:37 reads, “… in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us” (ASV). No, we have not triumphed over cancer, but with God’s help, we can live through it. I find a great deal of strength in this verse. It reminds me that I can make it from the beginning to the end of this life. There are days where it just seems daunting, demanding and arduous, but the fact remains that I can conquer all the things that I face with God’s help.
I’ve had a reoccurring dream the past few weeks. It takes place in a high school and I am a student. I am in class and the bell rings. I have to go to the next destination, but I don’t know what class I am signed up to attend. I wonder around aimlessly searching for the next place but stand in the halls confused. Finally, I go to the main office and ask them to print me off a new schedule. They comply and I quickly place it in my pink planner (this is so me, isn’t it?) The dream ends…The other night, I had the same dream but it had some additions to it. This time the bell rang and I went to grab my planner, knowing I had gotten an additional printout, but the planner was gone! I could not believe it. I went into the halls and there I saw my little girl in a class with other children. I was surprised as I had not seen her or known what was going on with her. She was still sick with cancer but she was walking. Her teacher was surprised when I demanded to know why I hadn’t been informed of her status and progress. I could not believe that I was not being updated. He went on to tell me that “it was not looking good” and she was still having major issues. I immediately grabbed her and said I would take care of nursing her back to health. Yes, I would fix her. The next scene was me in a classroom crying that Meredith had died.I rarely dream about Meredith, I can only hope one day she will frequent them. But, when she is in my dreams, I know I need to pay attention. I’ve interpreted this dream in many ways thus far. I believe I am at a crossroads in my life. I have to start over, reinvent myself, as I am no longer the old Beth. However, I am not sure exactly where to go. I am no longer Meredith’s Mom and Chris’s Wife. I am just Beth- and quite frankly I don’t know what to do with myself. I know my life journey is supposed to be used for God, but as my dream depicts, I am not sure which way to go. I am stuck in the hallways of life WITHOUT my pink planner. For those of you who know me well, you know how I hate to not plan things out. It is part of my personality and now I sit here and I mentally, physically and emotionally cannot plan. I know this is another “test” that will one day complete my “testimony,” but it is difficult and awkward for me. I want to know the rest of the story. I want to have a clear focus. I desire to know which path I take in life, and where I will end up. Waiting on the Lord is unbelievably difficult. So is trying to understand Him, ugh!
I think this dream reveals that no matter what obstacles our children face, we believe deep down we can cure them with our love and devotion. Oh, how I wish I could have changed the outcome of my daughter’s battle with cancer. I would have done anything, no matter what sacrifices had to be made. However, she was not mine to fix as I gave her to the Lord the day I birthed her. I told Him Meredith was His and so it was up to Him to fix her, which He did.
I would love my life to have turned out differently. I look at pictures of me as a young girl and I cannot believe that innocent girl has lived through this kind of heartache. I carry on though, walking through doors that are open and sometimes knocking on those that are closed. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation (Psalm 5:3).
Beth

Faith does not Insist Upon an Explanation!

2009-04-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

I did write on Mer's death day, but was at the beach and could not update the Carepage immediately. The ocean was the perfect place to spend this time of grieving as it is a powerful example of God's glory. I spent a lot of time calling out for God's mercy as the pain seems like it will ultimately kill me. I asked Him to take shoulder some of my heartache so that I could live another day. He did as I asked and I do feel better. He's always there to carry me when I just can't walk any more. I just want to thank all of you for your prayers and encouragement. I have been blessed by what you have shared with me and how my daughter has inspired you to love the Lord more and to surrender all to Him. Keep praying as they say the second year can be harder than the first. Love you all, Beth

April 14, 2009
I cannot believe I made it to this day. How painful it has been to get through a year filled with extreme heartache and significant stress. My emotions go from disbelief to shock, to numbness and denial. Last night my body fought off what felt like a heart attack, then complete nausea. I am physically ill thinking about Meredith being dead. I mean, my body hurts just as much as my heart and soul do. I wept a thousand tears last night out of pure exhaustion and pain. I cried out to the Lord, “WHY??!!!” I am desperate for Him to take the throbbing away, but I know deep down that it will be my constant companion till I see Meredith again in Heaven.

My Mom and I spent an hour or so watching videos of Mer today. I knew this would be difficult but I needed to see her healthy, alive, happy. My visions of her are plagued with IVs, medicine and her lying in a bed almost paralyzed. Those three months practically wiped out the eleven I had with her healthy and strong. I needed to see her the way God made her, serious as times, happy, and screeching. It was so refreshing to see that laugh again. At the same time, it was absolutely confusing. Cancer can literally take a healthy and vibrant child and kill him/her in weeks. I just cannot believe the baby on those videos is the same one who was completely changed and physically destroyed by cancer. It is unreal, unimaginable and deplorable.I was reading through my devotion a couple of days ago and I stopped at the 14th to see what the Lord wanted me to read on the day of my baby’s death. I was pleased to see who the writer was, Elisabeth Elliot. I have been touched by her writings in the past as she has endured great losses in her lifetime. She reflected on James 1:17, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness (unpredictability), neither shadow of turning.” I love that this is the verse He gave her, to bless me with, on this day because I know that Meredith was a perfect gift sent from above to change my life and the lives of so many who knew her. Elisabeth wrote, “Sometimes we want things we were not meant to have. Because He loves us, the Father says no. Faith is willing not to have what God is not willing to give. Furthermore, faith does not insist upon an explanation. It is enough to know His promises to give what is good—He knows so much more about us than we do.” This paragraph gave me some clarity in a way. I have expressed often to the Lord and those who are close to me, my frustration with the Lord’s choice to take Meredith. I am a firm believer that Christ could have stopped the cancer cells from ever appearing, I also trusted that God could completely annihilate the cells when they were there killing my child; I had faith in modern medicine and many of the physicians who tirelessly worked to save my child. I know God could have changed the course of events in an instant. I also recognize that God said no. I have to accept and be willing to live with this answer without demanding an explanation. I just do not know if I can actually do this. My faith seems so fragile right now as I struggle to understand God and His decisions. But, I now know what I have to work to do.

Just a little advice: video your children, one day your memories will fade and those tapes will be the key to your past and may even reveal some of your future.
Love,Beth

"Keep going Mommy, you can do it!"

2009-04-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death..." Mark 14:34 (NLT)In this scene, Mark describes Jesus' intense anguish as He contemplates the next step in His earthly journey...death on a cross.

I know our journeys are vastly different as Jesus if the son of God and I am just a human full of sin and flaws, but as I read this verse in Mark, I feel as though we have shared the same emotions. I am crushed with grief over the death of my daughter. If I rated my despair on a scale of 1-10 it would be a 100. As Meredith’s death anniversary approaches, I am living in a state of shock and denial. I am going through every moment of the end looking at my baby and myself as an observer. I feel bad for those people, that Mother who would have given anything for the news to be different. I look at her on the floor kicking, hitting and screaming when the news was delivered that her daughter was going to die. That her prayers did not work. That her love alone would not save the child that gave her true purpose on this Earth. I want to console her, and hold her, but all I can do is stare. Her family and friends are there to rock her and cry with her. They are there to say nothing but just to hold her tight. No, God did not abandon this woman and her child. Yes, it looks like He did and it feels that way too, but it is not true.
I battle these thoughts on a daily basis. I feel so blessed…I have an amazing family who would do anything for me, I was given another child who does nothing but put massive smiles on my face every minute I gaze at him, I have stuff and friends, everything I need. But, the one person that I do not have to hold and kiss, put to bed at night and to watch grow, is my baby girl. Not having her makes me feel abandoned, I guess it feels like when I really needed God, He didn’t come through. I am angry. I am disappointed, but most of all I am confused. I don’t want to question God. I don’t want to feel ungrateful for what I do have because the one thing I ever wanted was taken away from me. But, I do feel this way. The fact is, I want to change the way my baby’s story ended. I want her back.

I am reminded what my life was like at this moment last year. The sweet and peaceful memories are overpowered by the deep despair and shock of what was actually happening. You sit around and wait for the worst and deep down you know you won’t live through it. It just can’t be possible to continue on while you precious child is dying. But, you do make it through minute by minute and through the heartache and suffering there is the joy of knowing that your baby will no longer feel pain, will never be crushed by grief, will never see another tear stream down her Mommy’s face. When your baby is taken out of your care and gently placed into the Father’s hands, you are relieved that she is finally okay. Thus, you start your journey changed, incomplete, and transparent. Each day your faith becomes your lifeline, the very thing that keeps you alive.I am amazed that I have lived this long. Each morning I awake and wonder how I have made it through the night. I am merely hanging on to every one of God’s promises. I have to make a choice each day, “Do I whole heartedly believe God’s Word to be true and keep walking this path or is it all a lie and I just give up?” My choice is to keep believing, to keep crying out to the Lord to get me through this suffering, to keep praying for Him to finish His good work through me so that one day I can join John in saying, “I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do.” John 17:4 (NIV)
Beth

Missing Mer but Thankful for God's Grace

2009-03-13T13:56:00.000-07:00

Each morning I wake up to the same thing…my son cuing and screeching. It is a lovely way to start off my day. The next thing that happens is I peek through the cracked door and give him a big smile. He reciprocates by jumping up and down on his bottom (he refuses to stand up or walk right now) and giggles. Then, I walk toward him and he shows me his little vibrating bug and monkey toy. We smile and are off to the highchair. I try to take time to cherish these moments. I spend so much time grieving over Meredith and dealing with the hardships of my divorce that I often do not focus on God’s precious gift in the midst of all this sadness, my handsome and well behaved son, Ty Ty. He has been so wonderful to me. He is the perfect child and I love being his mother. I was listening to another woman who lost her child and she said something very moving, she was talking about the pain she felt over the loss of her youngest child, but at the same time she was rejoicing at celebrating her middle daughter’s upcoming wedding. She said something like, “I am thankful that I am able to still give to my living daughter what I can no longer give to my dead one.” You might think this is a weird thought to have while picking out your daughter’s wedding dress, but this is a reality of the people in my world. We are ecstatic to be able to do for our living child, but the throbbing never subsides of what we are unable to do for the child we had to give back to God. It is a strange feeling to be totally filled with joy over one child while the loss of your other child burns within your heart so deeply that some days you think you might turn in to a pile of ashes.
I struggle daily to hold on during this time. I have one month and one day to go till I have to face the very moment my baby took her last breath. The day sits and waits for me like a predator lingering for its’ prey, and all I can do is prepare to face it with all my might. Sometimes the darkness of my situation almost overcomes me. I dream of having an easier journey. I yearn to turn back time and figure out how to avoid this path. I question God’s goodness, His promises. I want answers but I know those answers would never be good enough. I am like a palm tree thrashing back and forth in a hurricane. I love God and know He is good, but then I can’t believe a good God would not save my baby from this cancer. I have faith that I will survive this journey, but why was there not more protection from its elements? My thoughts sway back and forth uncontrollably and weigh on my heart and mind continuously.While I was in church last week, I was prompted to read a devotion that was nestled so appropriately in the midst of the passage we were studying. I was excited to see the last name of its author, ten Boom. I noticed as I reread the Carepage from this day last year, that I included a Corrie ten Boom quote in my entry. I am always blown away to see how God uses those who have suffered the most to encourage and inspire me and He is so precise in His timing. To my surprise, this entry was written by Corrie’s sister, and it reads like this, “The most important part of our task will be to tell everyone who will listen that Jesus is the only answer to the problems that are disturbing the hearts of men and nations. We shall have the right to speak because we can tell from our experience that his light is more powerful than the deepest darkness…How wonderful that the reality of his presence is greater than the reality of the hell about us.”-Betsie ten Boom.
I too have the right to speak because of my experience, I have been through hell and have faced insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities this year and what God has revealed to me over and over is just what Betsie stated above, JESUS, who is... King of Kings (Rev 17:14) Strength to the needy in distress (Isa 25:4), A Refuge from the Storm (Isa 25:4), My Rock and my Fortress (Psa 31:3), The Rock of my Strength (Psa 62:7), and the Lord both of the dead and the living (Rom 14:9).
Beth

Meredith's Second Birthday

2009-02-16T18:49:00.000-08:00

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his armsand carries them close to his heart…” Isaiah 40:11 (NIV)
This is the verse Meredith’s Memorial was based on yesterday. It was the perfect one selected by the most perfect person I could ever imagine, my grandmother, Mama 2. We celebrated the birth of Tyler as well as the second year of Mer’s life with a precious time of prayer, memories and encouragement (Thank you Cat, you are the best friend in the world- I added some pictures too). I cannot describe the thoughts that go through my mind as I stand and gaze at my daughter’s grave. I know that it is just her body and not her soul, but when I look at the spot where she was buried almost a year ago, I see a part of me there as well. Actually, I huge part of me lies beneath the ground. If I could have anything in this world, it would be to have her back. Instead, I have to hold on to what we had together as mother and daughter. I have to hold tightly to the laughter Meredith provided for me, the precious moments that we shared together in the late hours of the night, the funny times we had as I tried desperately to feed her “interesting” foods that she immediately rejected. The first time she said, “Ma ma” and the feel of her nestled comfortably in my arms. These memories are mine forever, and they are what will help me breathe in and breathe out each day. I spent today rereading my journal from last year. I recorded everything Meredith did in it. I am thankful that I spent the time writing as this is what will keep my memories fresh. I spent some time reviewing her birth story with my family today and so I am sharing those memories with you as well. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did.Meredith Elisabeth Edwards was born this day last year at 12:38pm. She was 5 lbs 17 oz and 17 ¾ in. long. She was a planned c-section as she was breech and they were concerned about her small size. I actually went into labor the night before but my contractions were 10 minutes apart so there was no need to go to the hospital. I slept that night comfortably and when I woke in the morning, we were off to the hospital. It would be just a few more hours till I could see my precious baby. This was a day I had dreamed of for many years. My C-section went really well mostly because the doctors and nurses were kind and explained everything carefully and patiently to me. The funny thing is that when I got on the table to start the c-section, my water broke. It was clear then Meredith was going to come this day no matter if I had a planed c-section or not. When the procedure was over and they held little Meredith up her legs were in a V. She looked like a cheerleader. She had blond hair, blue eyes and the fairest skin you have ever seen. She was absolutely beautiful!The first few weeks of her life were a blur but I loved being with her every day. God really blessed me to be able to stay at home with Meredith. I truly thank Him for giving me that time with her. “I look at her all the time and praise God for His amazing blessing. She is so beautiful and perfect. I cannot believe how much I love her. It is such an intense, protective, nurturing love. Meredith was so worth the wait” (written 05-09-07).I read these words from my journal and I just can’t believe that she is gone. How can someone so precious be here one day and gone the next? How do you recover or even continue without the one who made you who you were really supposed to be in life? “She is such a wonderful little girl. I am so excited that I am her mommy. As soon as I put Mer Mer to bed, I want her back up again to hold. Children are such a blessing from the Lord (07-23-07).” I have spent a lot of time really processing my relationship with the Lord and asking Him some tough questions. I want to fill in the gap between God’s promises and God’s provisions. I just wish He would give me an answer that would make the pain go away, that would somehow help me bring her back. I have to say that He is revealing things to me because I am asking Him to do so. He is big enough and wise enough to handle my frustrations and my various questions. He has never failed me and consistently reminds me that He is in control and leading me where He wants me to be. We sang this song by Chris Tomlin yesterday in church that I absolutely adore and have for many years. It made me think of Meredith and how lucky she was to be spending her time in Heaven and how one day I will join her and I will be holding her in my arms once again.

How lovely is/Your dwelling place/Oh Lord Almighty,For my soul longs/And even faints/For You/Oh, here my heart/Is satisfied (is satisfied)/Within Your presence/I sing beneath/The shadow ofYour wings/Better is one day in Your courts/Better is one day in Your house/Better is one day in Your courts/Than thousands elsewhere

Beth

Angels Among Us-April 25,2009

2009-02-02T11:04:00.000-08:00

Team "Mer Mer" is a team made up of individuals who have been touched by the short life of Meredith Elisabeth Edwards. Meredith is the daughter of Beth Eastman Edwards. Meredith "Mer Mer" was diagnosed with Medulloblastoma in Jan. 2008 and went to be with the Lord Jesus on April 14, 2008. We are getting a team together to raise money for the Robert Tish Brain Center at Duke University in April 2009. Join our team to honor the precious life of our dearly missed, "Mer Mer."Mer's bio. is now up on the Wall of Honor on the website www.angelsamongus.org; if you look on the right side of the home page you will see the link Wall of Honor- for those of you who have joined the team that never met Meredith I hope that you sense how special she truly was. It is amazing how it was a year ago this month that our journey Mer's illness only began. I went to a Beth Moore Bible Study today and she said that, "you cannot amputate your history from your destiny." Sometimes we wish we could just forget our history- the history of pain, sorrow, and illness- but God uses every situation good or bad to fulfill His purposes. Just know that He is all powerful, all knowing, and always there. He gave us Meredith for a short time and I cannot help but think that her destiny has been fulfilled as she has touched so many lives. Now she is sitting in the lap of the Almighty! Meredith's legacy will live on forever as we work to change the lives of children and their families as we raise money and awareness for pediatric brain cancer.If you are planning to run/walk in the event please register under Mer Mer's Angels as soon as possible. They are encouraging all of us to register early so they can get an idea of how many are going to participate.If you are out of the Raleigh area please note that you can still be a part of our fundraising. A good friend of ours is hosting a Silpada party and all the proceeds will benefit Angels Among Us. She has a website where you can look at the catalog if you are interested in purchasing this jewelry. Thanks for all of your support!
www.mysilpada.com/ashley.marble

Contact Kim Williams with any questions.

kimewilliams@bellsouth.net

Thanks,

Kim Williams

The Hard Journey Goes On...

2009-01-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

Today Tyler is 11 months old and Meredith would be one month shy of two years old. I cannot believe that Tyler will be one year old next month. Sometimes I don’t know where the time goes while other times a day feels like an eternity. We’ve had a rough year, Tyler and I. He was such a trooper though. He’s known all along exactly how much I can handle and is always there when I need him. There are so many times when I have wanted to give up, but one look at those blue eyes and his fuzzy hair and I knew it was not an option. He needs me and he provides me with so much joy in the midst of unbearable pain.A year ago, yesterday, was the day that my precious little one began getting sick. We all thought it was just the flu- I was worried, but not alarmed. Little did I know that January 14, 2007 would be the beginning of her battle with Medulloblastoma. I will never forget when I was discharged from the hospital after my preterm labor scare and before her diagnosis, how sick my little Meredith was. My Mom and I had been holding her constantly and I was getting ready to go to an appointment. I was in a rush and I put Meredith down on the floor and she tried to crawl but cried instead. She was so weak, probably scared and all she wanted was her Mommy to hold her. I remember being frustrated and saying, “Come on Mer, you can crawl!” I hate that memory. No, I had no idea she was so sick and it wasn’t like I was neglecting her, but I hate that memory. I just wish I never failed her. I wish I had picked her up immediately. If only I could pick her up now I would be ecstatic. I wanted so badly for her to be healed on this Earth. I am mad that this is my life. I don’t want to be the one who has lost a child. I don’t want to live for the next 50 years with this kind of piercing pain. I yearned for a miracle and although God gave Mer the greatest gift of all, I want her to be back in my arms.I have been so sad lately. I mean the type of sadness that makes you feel like a fake. I can tend to my son, help out friends, go on job interviews and look “normal.” However, on the inside, I ache all over. I feel like I have arthritis of the soul. I started the new Bible Study from Beth Moore on Esther this week. I absolutely love Beth…she makes studying the Bible exciting and inviting. She said something pertaining to God’s miracles that went a little like this,
Sometimes the miracles we are looking for from God are not the ones we are expecting. “It can be when He enables us to do what we know we cannot do, that is the real miracle."
So many of you ask or wonder how I have made it through all of these losses. Well, I believe Beth Moore encompassed it all with that response. HE enables me to do what I cannot do by myself. Without God, I would be so worthless, troubled and most of all useless. His power in my weakness has brought me through these raging waters and I thank Him that He continues to stand beside me as I fight through this grief one moment at a time. God gives me hope each day that as He shows me his faithfulness, His power, and He assures me that my soul will be at rest one day. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him (Psalm 62:5). But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me (Micah 7:7).
Keep those prayers coming.

Love you all,

Beth

Christmas Without Mer

2008-12-27T13:56:00.000-08:00

I survived my first Christmas without Meredith. Christmas Day was okay because it was enjoyable watching Tyler and the boys open presents. I was able to be happy celebrating his first Christmas. Thank you Lord for that little boy! He is my saving grace. Yesterday was tough though. I kept really busy on Christmas Eve and Day so I would be distracted, but with all the activities over, I just allowed the realities of my life to set in. I walked around Belks and all I could think about was that I had an amazing, beautiful, full of life baby girl a year ago and now she is dead. That pesky question, "Why" crept back into my mind and I started asking God what in the world He was thinking by not curing her. It just devastates me to actually think about losing her. I sometimes feel that I cannot and do not want to go on. One of the answers I have been searching for from God is..." since He created the Heavens and the Earth, mankind, everything that we see physically on this planet, did He also create cancer, and if He did, why?" I have come to the conclusion through a lot of research that God did not actually create cancer but He did ALLOW it to happen. So, again I ask Him, WHY? I can somewhat understand the whole idea of lung cancer as a result of years of smoking, but brain cancer in a baby? It perplexes me greatly. I was reminded once again that no answer that God were to give me would ever make it okay. There is no reason that could ever make it worth the sacrifice of my child. So, I am back where I have been many times before. I am thankful that my daughter is in a better place, that she is healthy and happy. I cannot wait to see her again and dread that it could be years before that day arrives, and I am so grateful that I was given a son to fill me up with love and laughter in such a sad and devastating time. Most of all, I am thankful that Christ was born in a little manger in Bethlehem, lived a pure and holy life, died on a cross for my sins and was resurrected from the dead and lives in my heart today. I never knew how much I needed God until He was all I had.The other day, I was watching the Chronicles of Narnia written by C.S. Lewis, and there was a scene that I could relate to in many ways. It is right after Aslan was resurrected and the soon to be King, Prince Caspian, was fighting a long and tough battle against the Queen of Narnia. They had been at war for quite some time and the young King's army was being defeated. He is in a sword fight with the Queen and he is holding his own for the most part. He has a mighty sword, armor and heart, but eventually he tires from swinging his sword for side to side, up and down. The enemy is powerful and determined, and he is weakening under the constant attack. Suddenly, the Prince loses his sword and the Queen begins to lift her weapon and is ready to take his life. Suddenly, Aslan comes up from behind the young Prince and defeats the evil Queen easily and quickly.I can totally relate to Prince Caspain. I am trying my best to stay strong, to use God's promises and His Word daily, but I am exhausted from the length and extent of my battles, I am stressed and weak too. The enemy is closing in and is ready to destroy me every time I turn my back. It feels that evil is winning and it looks bleak for me...I am ready to give up, to lie down and accept my defeat, but just when I cannot swing my sword one more time, Christ comes quickly to my rescue for He is my rock, my refuge and my fortress (Psalms 31:2). Thank you Lord, for reminding me of who you are and who you want me to be!The Armor of GodEphesians 6:10- 20Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Beth

Some Thoughts

2008-12-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

Memories are the key not to the past but to the future. Corrie Ten Boom

I painted this quote on the wall of my halfbath last week. I needed something profound to look at when I am walking around my house cleaning up after Tyler, decorating, and doing all the things I do each day. When I was searching for a quote, I immediately thought of Corrie Ten Boom. She was an amazing woman who faced horrific losses and in the end her rewards were grand. I think about this quote often as the memories of the last year seem to be debilitating at times. Right now my memories physically and emotionally hurt me. But, I know that one day the pain will not be so unbearable even though it will always be present. I definitely have hope that my memories will one day open doors to vast opportunities to help others, to inform, to encourage. Only God knows what will come of my past, present and future.One of my recent tussles with God has been over the big and most obvious question I mull over day after day, “Why, Meredith?” I have challenged God with this question a million times over the last 10 months. When I shared my recent thoughts with Cat, she reminded me of the story in Genesis 32:22-31 where Jacob wrestles with God and refuses to stop wrestling him until God blesses him. It is so interesting to reflect on all that I have endured, and to see that in every wrestling match I have had with God, I never give up and somehow He indeed always blesses me. The blessings are neither what I expect nor what I necessarily want, but they are indeed blessings. As I have been asking God the question, “Why?”, He has revealed many truths to me. The first one being, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). I have heard this verse many times, but apparently it hasn’t sunk in over the last 32 years of my life. I can assure you that when you are reminded of this truth continually in a short period of time, you start to get it. Even though I try to constantly find answers to Meredith’s death, I will never know why God did not stop the cancer or why He did not perform a miracle I know He is capable of doing. These answers are hidden, they are mysteries that only God knows the answers to.Another truth God has laid on my heart lately is, life isn’t fair and you either spend your time trying to make it fair or you trust that God is in control and He will grant justice when the time is right. I cannot help but ponder the idea of fairness. It certainly isn’t fair that I lost my daughter; it isn’t fair that my marriage didn’t work even though I was desperate for it to; it isn’t fair that I have to rely on others to sustain me financially while I figure out where God is leading Tyler and me. I want justice NOW, I want redemption NOW, I don’t want to wait years to see God prevail over my struggles. In Psalm 28, David calls to the Lord and begs Him to not turn a deaf ear to him, “For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.” (Psalm 28:1) There are definitely those times where I feel like God is silent and unfair, usually when something isn’t going the way I want it to. It is so tempting to want to take control of the situations that I face, but each time I try to move without HIS blessing, it turns out to be a catastrophe! God keeps reminding me that I have to surrender all of my worries, fears and most of all my pain to Him. It is a daily battle but a necessary one. This song keeps coming to my mind as I am writing… It is by Clay Crosse and is entitled, I Surrender All, and the chorus sums it all up for me.
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams/Though the price to follow costs me everything/I surrender all my human soul desires/If sacrifice requires/That all my kingdoms fall/I surrender all
Keep our families in your prayers this Christmas as we face it without our little Mer who lit up the room and brought smiles to our faces each and every day. Thank you for your persistent prayers, your support and for showing us what God’s love is all about.
Love , Beth

6 Months Ago

2008-10-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before on the Carepage, but the number 14 has become the day of each month that I most dread as well as the day of the month I am reminded that God speaks to us so clearly when we are willing to listen. Just like everything else in my life, I feel a great sense of grief and depression and at the same time feel a smidgen of joy. It is hard to believe that six months ago my baby girl, Mer, died and went to Heaven. I remember so clearly when Dr. G. called me and said, “Beth, it has gotten worse, the cancer has grown and there is nothing else we can do.” I thought I was going to die. I kicked and screamed with all my might. I knew that is was going to be bad. God had prepared my heart a few days before she got her MRI. I don’t remember that much after the news, I was in total shock and despair, but I do recall God telling me something very specific. He whispered in my ear, “fourteen.” I didn’t tell anyone until later because I didn’t want people to think I was trying to be a prophet or think I was crazy. But, it was then that I knew in my heart that Meredith would be going to join Jesus on that day. As we went through the next two days, preparing for her to die, there was so much pain and so much suffering, not by Mer but by us. She was quiet and peaceful and I was so frightened to watch her die that I prayed I would be asleep when it happened. However, two minutes before she passed, Meredith hit me with her arm (she hadn’t moved in days) to wake me up. My mother and aunt had been watching her and counting her breaths, so they confirmed that this happened. I cuddled her into my arms and she took her last breath.

That was six months ago today that I held me precious baby and gave her back to the one who gave her to me. As I write this down, I cannot help but weep with the deepest most painful tears. These tears are familiar as I cry them each and every day. There is no break in grief, there are no days off, and every minute of every day I am consumed with the thought that Meredith is gone. Yes, I am alive, and I am hopeful, but I wear a heavy weighted jacket each day of my existence. Everyone says that it will get easier…I just can’t imagine not feeling this way. One day I know I will feel joy again, God tells me this all the time in my devotions and Bible Study. “The Lord will be your everlasting light, And your days of sorrow will end (Isaiah 60:20b).” In John 16:21-22, God’s Word says, “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

I am including some new pictures of a quilt that was made using Meredith’s clothes and other items that I treasure. An AMAZING woman named Kim, offered to make this for me right after Mer had passed away. We were strangers, but the Lord brought us together through the Carepage website. I could never repay her for what she did for me. It is the most beautiful piece of art I have ever seen in my life. I hope you enjoy seeing it.

“My grace is sufficient for you, For my power is made perfect in weakness.” II Corinthians 12:9